Thanks a million, Jezza

I’ M RIDICULOUSLY excited about the return of WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE? ( ITV, 9pm). That’s because ( and please look away for a moment if you don’t want to read that someone is about to win the million) someone is about to win the million. ITV announced it weeks ago, remember?

It might not be tonight that we see it happen, mind you. In fact, it’s probably best that it isn’t.

The show is on all week, so if tonight’s episode does turn out to be the one with the seven- figure winner, it suggests the remainder will consist of somewhat less ambitious contestants, content to have won their bus fare home and not reckless enough to gamble it on guessing the capital of Spain.

But we do know it happens sometime between now and Friday, and that confetti is unleashed and that Jeremy Clarkson pretends not to cry.. And, come on, you have to admit it’s a bit of an event. Only five people have done this before. Legitimately, I mean.

So, what response can we expect this time from the studio audience? None whatsoever.

That’s because there’s no one there, thanks to you- know- what.

This also means there’s no ask- the- audience lifeline, obviously. Instead, each contestant now gets two phone- a- friend opportunities, plus the 50/ 50 and the Ask Jezza option, the latter particularly handy whenever you get a question on the power- toweight ratio of the Ferrari F355.

Also a bit of an event is the return of EASTENDERS ( BBC1, 8.05pm), back on our screens for the first time since whenever it was last on our screens.

I banged on the other day about the ingenious things they’ve done to get around the social distancing business but now you have the chance to see how effective it is.

To be honest, the real achievement is you barely notice anything unusual.

Well, other than the characters having to wear giant hoop- waisted clown trousers so as not to stray too close to one another.

Later, documentary- wise, BBC1 has SUE PERKINS: ALONG THE US- MEXICO BORDER ( 9pm, concludes tomorrow). Sue sets out on a 2,000- mile, coast- to- coast journey from the Pacific to the Gulf of Mexico, getting a feel for what it’s like to live along that controversial borderland stretch.

One of her more surprising encounters is with a group of older migrants who’ve bucked the trend: Californians who’ve moved down to Mexico to enjoy a more affordable retirement.

Sue joins a bunch of them on the beach for a keep- fit session. They’re a lively lot.

And what else do they do with their time?

“Day drinking,” one of them tells her. “It’s a big activity here.”