Puppy pride and groom

I’ VE said this till I’m blue in the face ( I should probably get my picture byline updated) but what we urgently need is a dedicated dog channel. A channel that would allow us, whenever we so wish, to immerse ourselves in dog- themed programmes all day.

After all, we already have dedicated channels for goodness knows what else – food, travel, history, old episodes of Millionaire where they’ve had to stretch the picture to fit modern screens and Chris Tarrant’s head has gone a funny shape – so why not one whose content is entirely canine?

You can’t tell me a dedicated dog channel makes any less sense than a dedicated history channel.

All right, maybe you can, but I’d refuse to listen.

Ideal for said channel would be tonight’s new show POOCH PERFECT, at least once it has finished its initial run on BBC1 ( 8pm).

Hosted by Sheridan Smith’s lovely dog Stanley, with assistance from Sheridan Smith ( although the BBC actually bills it the other way around, that’s how much it really gives a hoot for equality), it’s a search for the nation’s top groomer – an idea so blindingly obvious that I’m amazed no one has thought of it before. To be honest, they probably have and it’s passed me by.

We already have a hugely popular series where dogs are reared, rescued, mended, trained, employed to direct sheep etc.

Plus, of course, there’s that annual competition in Birmingham where dogs gather to learn which of them has been saddled with the most embarrassing name to be summoned with in the park.

(“Go on, fetch the ball, Sophocles Dishwasher Barm Cake the Third…”)

So, yes, why not one where they’re prettified – even though some of the results here are so over the top that if I were the dog I might “accidentally” mistake the groomer’s shin for my breakfast.

Each week, four groomers face two tasks. For the first, a surprise breed is sprung on them ( tonight it’s a shih tzu).

For the second, they get to choose a breed and show off one of their own “designs”, albeit within a specific brief. “We’re throwing a teddy bears’ picnic,” Sheridan tells them tonight. “So we want to see your dogs with a little teddy bear cut…”

Yes, quite.

Each week one groomer gets a Best In Show award. They also get a spot in the quarter- final.

The prize for the series winner is the Golden Stanley, a statuette they can display on their mantelpiece at home, so that their friends, when they visit, can go: “What in the name of God almighty is that?”

Oh, and the judges are world renowned grooming experts Colin Taylor and Verity Hardcastle.

Nope, me neither.