Bill’s thrills in the hills

IN COMMON with a lot of people, I haven’t travelled by train for quite some while. As a result, I’ve found myself wanting to replicate the rail travel experience via some alternative means, in the hope this might alleviate my withdrawal symptoms.

And is there a television show that would enable me to do this, specifically to remind me of how I feel when I’m travelling on the Brighton-to-Victoria line?

There may well be. But it sure as heck isn’t THE WORLD’S MOST SCENIC RAILWAY JOURNEYS (C5, 9pm), because everything on that series looks lovely. Not a burger-chewing, seat-hogging Mr Shouty Phoneman in sight.

Tonight’s episode, for example, takes us on a journey through Sicily. Not just any old journey, but on a line that passes through no fewer than seven World Heritage sites – “through a landscape,” to quote narrator Bill Nighy, “forged by the Earth’s forces and ancient civilisations.”

That said, the Brighton-to-Victoria line does pass pretty close to Millwall FC’s ground.

Before that, seeking beauty somewhat closer to home, we have episode two of SUSAN CALMAN’S GRAND DAY OUT (C5, 8pm). This week Susan and Helen (Helen is the name of Susan’s campervan, remember) are on their way to the Lake District. First stop: Ullswater.

Well, OK, that’s actually her second stop. Susan’s first stop involves pulling over to chat to some random man feeding swans. She’ll be glad she did, though, because the random swan-feeder turns out to be rather charming.

“Pleasure to meet you, I followed your Scottish programmes,” he tells her, cunningly ensuring he makes the final edit.

Elsewhere, the BBC is setting a kind of Dolly Parton-themed challenge – with the documentary DOLLY PARTON: HERE I AM (BBC2, 9.10pm) followed by DOLLY PARTON: 50 YEARS AT THE OPRY (BBC4, 10.40pm) and then DOLLY PARTON AT GLASTONBURY 2014 (BBC4, 11.55 pm). That’s nearly four hours of Dolly telly. Good luck.

Also tonight, boxing champ Amir Khan is the latest guest to feature on the slightly unnerving JAMIE AND JIMMY’S FRIDAY NIGHT FEAST (C4, 8pm). (Unnerving because, while I realise this series was filmed back in 2019, the sight of all those people crowded into that café rather gives me the jitters now.)

Among this week’s treats are Jimmy Doherty’s “irresistible quesadillas”. And as he tucks into these, the Jimmy of 2019 also reveals one of his lesser-known talents – namely, an ability to see into the future.

“With flavours like that,” he declares, “I reckon staying in has got to be the new going out.”