‘Choosing to be honest in a situation like this feels like jumping into an abyss’
symptoms. It will be very sad for them, but not traumatic.”
I was aware of my change in emphasis, from “would” to “will”, ushering Daniel closer to what was inevitable. He leaned forward slowly to pick up the glass of water on the table and took a couple of gulps.
“This might sound like a weird question.” Daniel paused, then looked at me. “How am I going to know when I’m dying?”
“We live right up until the last breath, really, but there is a time when we enter the final phase of dying which usually lasts from a few hours to a few days. You’ll be asleep more than awake,” I said.
When I told him my belief that just as the body knows how to birth itself, it also knows how to die, I saw the relief soften his face.
Daniel had perked up, he was sitting taller. Instead of hoping for survival, he could hope for continued meaningful moments with his family, for as long as possible.
“Perhaps we should check on Emily?” Daniel suggested. I opened the door to the waiting room. She looked up expectantly: “What were you and Daddy talking about?”
I looked at Daniel. He nodded at me to respond. “Your daddy and I were talking about what it’s like to be sick.”
Emily glanced at her dad with moist eyes. “Do you know what’s going on with your daddy?” I asked.
“Yes, he has cancer, and he’s going to die,” Emily said, matter-of-factly. I raised my eyes to the maple outside, to seek solace from the heartbreak of the moment.
When I looked at Daniel, a plea for help radiated from his eyes. I took his cue and responded: “It will be very sad for you and your mommy, and for your sister, won’t it,
CIRCLE OF LIFE: Author and counsellor Janie Brown, far left, and, right, as a student nurse in Edinburgh
when Daddy dies?” Choosing to be honest in a situation like this feels like jumping into an abyss.
“Yes, it will,” she said. “Daddy, I don’t want you to die.” Daniel reached out with both arms and drew her against his frail body.
Witnessing the intimacy of father and daughter took me back to my own father dying. I felt oddly comforted by remembering his love and the deep ache of my own loss. Daniel whispered into Emily’s ear: “I’ll always love you, Em, no matter whether I’m here or not.Will you remember that?”
She acknowledged his question with a slight nod. Daniel continued: “I would move a mountain or drink the whole ocean or never eat another sweet if it meant I could stay here and be your dad.”
“Would you eat Muffy’s cat food?”
Emily looked up with a mischievous smile. “I most certainly would,” he said. Emily smacked her lips together in satisfaction. “Good.”
I leaned towards her: “Maybe you and Daddy can make a memory box together? First, you remember all the things you love about Daddy, and then you find something at home or make something to put in the box to remind you of that special memory?”
WE TALKED then about ideas for objects to go in the memory box. Some parents write letters to their children or make audiotapes or videos. Children might pick items of clothing, or jewellery, or objects from nature. They might paint and decorate the box together. “Will you bring your memory box to show me next time you come?” I asked Emily. She nodded. Children need to make preparations, too.
Daniel died 48 hours after being admitted to hospital when the pain suddenly escalated. His wife Lin thought the girls might want to do something special for their dad, and she left it up to them to decide what.
Emily asked if she and her sister Claire could take all the petals off the flowers in the vases along the window ledge.
The girls then slowly and carefully pulled the petals off each flower and piled them up on the tray table next to the bed.
There were tulips and lilies, anemones and roses, petals of all sizes and colours, and some that still held fragrance.
The girls carefully overlapped the petals, one at a time, and shaped them into the words “WE LOVE YOU DADDY” on top of the white blanket covering Daniel’s lifeless body.
All the while they did this, they chatted to him, telling him the stories they would never forget.