BEACHCOMBER 104 YEARS OLD AND STILL FLOODED WITH IDEAS...

GOD was having a difficult day. The Multiversal Planning Authorities had finally completed their inquiry into the aftermath of the Great Flood and had summoned God to explain His actions.

The Head of Multiversal Planning began with the period immediately preceding the flood: “You instructed Noah to build an ark of gopher wood 300 cubits long, 50 cubits wide and 30 cubits high. Gopher wood is costly. Was such an expense justified? According to our records, this necessitated the highest borrowing since the Creation.

“And then you wiped out almost all the gophers, leading to a wood shortage and the most sustained economic crisis since the extinction of the dinosaurs.” “This was necessary to keep businesses afloat,” said God. “I advised people to stay in their arks during raindown and those that did otherwise perished, which I think justifies my actions.”

“We have it on record,” said the HMP, “that you told Noah that raindown would last 40 days and 40 nights, but even after the ark had landed on Mount Ararat, it was another 150 days before you permitted Noah and his passengers to go forth and multiply. Is that not a clear sign that you miscalculated?” “Not at all,” God replied. “The 40 days of raindown had to be followed by a long drydown before restrictions could be eased, and this time was not wasted. In order to build a sustained recovery, retraining grants were issued to Noah’s family, who had to fulfil the roles of essential workers during the flood: sea-food chefs, zookeepers, sailors and the like.” “I was coming to the fish-chefs,” said the HMP. “You’ve said your reason for destroying all the animals was that the earth was full of violence, but why did you let the fish off? Sharks can be as violent as any of them, you know, and they all just swam their way through it.”

“Well I had to leave something for Noah’s family to eat?” God replied. “My actions were fiscally and fish-cally responsible and the rapid recovery rate confirms my policy was correct. Their reproduction rate, R, was off the scale.”

“Then Noah himself, despite being over 600 years old, planted a vineyard, drank of the wine, and was drunken. Do you call that responsible?” said the HMP. “Come off it,” said God. “What do you expect? The pubs had been closed for months.”