It’s a funny mould game

IKNOW I probably should, being an avid football fan and seven-eighths English, but I have no intention of sitting down to watch ITV’s INTERNATIONAL FOOTBALL LIVE (7.15pm), where England face Poland at Wembley in aWorld Cup qualifier.

Sorry, but I’ve seen it before. I know what happens.

In the 57th minute, England defender Norman Hunter, God rest his soul, loses the ball on the half-way line, allowing Poland’s Grzegorz Lato to storm through and set up teammate Jan Domarski.

Domarski’s shot, despite being rubbish, sneaks under Peter Shilton and into England’s net. England pull it back to 1-1, but it’s not enough: we’re out.

Nope, there’s no way I’m putting myself through that again.

By way of an alternative, I guess I could watch Northern Ireland beat Bulgaria on Sky Sports Football, or Scotland thrash the

Faroe Islands on Sky Sports Main Event, but most likely I’ll bide my time until 8pm and then watch a chef “celebrating mould” on GREAT BRITISH MENU (BBC2).

It’s not quite as strange as it sounds, this dish of his, but it does involve penicillin, an ingredient which from my own perspective doesn’t entirely scream “eat me”.

The reason it involves penicillin (specifically, in some blue cheese, so you see why it’s sort of OK) is because this latest series is celebrating British invention, and this latest heat is the Scottish heat, and penicillin was discovered by Sir Alexander Fleming, and Sir Alexander Fleming was from

Scotland, and so I’m sure we’re all agreed that makes complete sense, as much anything on television ever does.

A rival chef, meanwhile, is making a dish to honour Marie Stopes, the Edinburgh-born birth control pioneer. “I’m representing that with a lot of aphrodisiacs,” he announces.

I suppose it could have been much worse.

Straight afterwards over on BBC1, Robert Rinder is this evening’s guest judge on THIS IS MY HOUSE (9pm), the property game show you watched last week after reading my glowing preview and found yourself asking:

“Has MikeWard taken leave of his senses?”

I can’t have done, because I’ve now watched tonight’s episode as well, and I’m sticking to my guns. It’s daft, but it knows it’s daft so I’m fine with that.

This time, host Stacey Dooley is in Hertfordshire, at a 16th-century Grade I listed property owned by a guy called Michael Paris.

Once again, the judging panel must guess which of the four chaps Stacey meets there is the real deal. Three of them are fibbers, merely pretending to be Michael Paris. Also, one of the four individuals is oddly familiar.

Don’t pretend you don’t care.