Daily Express

The British way of life should be held in trust

-

WHAT ON earth is happening at the National Trust? Their latest bright idea is to encourage school children to write poems about how awful the Empire was; this fresh from harping on about slavery and LGBT issues.

Is not the National Trust supposed to celebrate our history rather than mount some grim woke campaign about how dreadful it all was? If they’re going to ban celebratio­ns of the Empire, here are a few more things we may knock off the allowed list. Tea. You might think there is nothing wrong with the quintessen­tial British cuppa, but not only did we steal tea plants from the Chinese in order to establish plantation­s in India, but one of the Brits who infiltrate­d Chinese society actually wore a long black pigtail to disguise himself.

Not only was this clearly racist, but also cultural appropriat­ion. Toad in the hole. What sort of anti-toadist rhetoric is this? Apologisin­g. The British are known as the only race of people in the world who will come out with the phrase, “I’m terribly sorry, old man, but you’re standing on my foot.”

This tendency to apologise must be stopped: it is in danger of fostering feelings of unworthine­ss and damaging children’s self-esteem.

Far better to barge around willynilly, trampling on anyone in your way.

Big Ben. Sexist. Why not Big Benjamina?

Stonehenge. It should be in Wales. Early examples of institutio­nalised theft (see also the Elgin Marbles, the Benin Bronzes, the Koh-i-Noor diamond, Tipu’s Tiger and much more).

You think I’m joking? Someone actually made a series called Stuff The British Stole, thus proving himself to be semi-literate as well as having an extremely spurious view of history.

James Bond. Sexist, misogynist dinosaur. Yes, even with Daniel Craig.

Buckingham Palace. Not so much a palace as a clear symbol of colonial rule.

The Union Jack. Do I actually even need to say any more? Cream teas. An obesity crisis in the making.

The stiff upper lip. Clear form of emotional abuse that harms a person’s inner peace and developmen­t. Far better to encourage people to emote and harp on endlessly about their grievances.

Oh, wait…

Newspapers in English

Newspapers from United Kingdom