BEACHCOMBER 104 YEARS OLD AND STILL AS BEASTLY AS EVER...

VISITING my old friend Professor Norvus Breakdown, holder of, and frequent sitter in, the Ikea Chair in Contemporary Lifestyle at the University of North Brent, he asked what I had been up to during lockdown.

“You first,” I said, and he took a deep breath before starting.

“I’m putting together a case to go before the European Court of Animal Rights,” he began. “I’ve thought from the start of this Covid business that many allegations have been made about pangolins, whose only defence is to curl up into a ball and hope the threat goes away.”

“So you’ve collected evidence that pangolins did not pass the disease to humans,” I suggested. “Of course that was my first thought,” he confessed, “but then I was sidetracked with ideas about the many other animals we have been unfair to for much longer.” “Such as?” I asked. “Zebras,” he said. “Zebra crossings were introduced in Britain in

1934 without discussing the matter with zebras themselves, let alone asking for permission to use their name. This means we owe zebras 87 years’ back royalties and it is high time negotiations were started.”

“Will you then go back to the pangolin question?” I asked. “There are many other pressing matters to do first,” he said. “Monkey wrenches for example. According to the Oxford Dictionary, the term ‘monkey wrench’ dates back to 1807, which means that we have been illicitly using the name for more than two centuries. Then there are catwalks at fashion shows, spider rests in snooker, the Butterfly Effect in Chaos Theory, the Volkswagen Beetle and Batman, to name but a few.”

“Don’t forget Percy Shaw’s invention of the ‘cat’s eye’ reflective road stud,” I reminded him. “Like zebra crossings, the cat’s eye also dates to 1934 but while zebras are associated with safety, the cat’s eye seems to incite vehicular violence on felines.”

“My goodness, Beachcomber,” the Prof said admiringly. “Without your input I might have forgotten to include that one.”

“Before I go,” I said: “are you sure there is a European Court of Animal Rights?”

“There must be,” he said. “They surely wouldn’t call the Court of Human Rights by that name if there wasn’t a Court of Animal Rights as well.”

I wished him well and hurried away.