Meghan’s new chapter in a land far, far away
THE privacy-loving Meghan Markle has written a book about a ginger haired soldier and his young son, inspired by a poem she wrote to Harry on Father’s Day (pass the sick bag, Alice), involving “warmth, joy and comfort”. Why not have done with it and write a fairy story featuring Meghan’s “truth”? Here’s a suggestion: Once upon a time, a Beautiful mixed race Princess was lured to the Land of Rain, where the sun never shone and the Royal Family all had Hearts of Ice.
They ruled the country with Rods of Steel, outlawing laughter, fun, compassion, diversity and inclusiveness. No one ate Tofu. One Evil Duchess made Princess Sparkles cry.
“Why are you weeping?” asked the only Kind (and Single) member of the Royal Family, the Ginger Haired Prince. “Because Kate didn’t ask me to go shopping,” sobbed Princess Sparkles, “and she gets to go before me in Ceremonial Processions. It’s not fair.”
The Ginger Haired Prince was very shocked. “Here, wear this Tiara, to cheer yourself up,” he said, “and move into Frogmore Castle, so-called after the frog who turned into a prince.”
“Oh no she can’t!” shouted the Wicked Queen, appearing in a puff of smoke and snatching back the Tiara, as her pack of deadly dorgis circled around her feet, baring their teeth at Princess Sparkles.
“And you can’t have Frogmore Castle! I’ve turned it into a Cottage! So there!”
“But at least our Son can be a Prince?” asked Princess Sparkles. “When the Ginger Haired Prince asks me to Marry him, that is?”
“Oh no he can’t!” shrieked the Wicked Queen. “He will be a Commoner and when he is five he will become a Chimney Sweep! Because that’s how we treat Little Children around here!” She disappeared in clap of thunder and summoned more rain.
Pausing only to wed in an Ancient Chapel, with the most Senior Member of the Church of England presiding over the Nuptials (at a cost to the taxpayer of 32 million Golden Coins), the Ginger Haired Prince took his Blushing Bride to the Land of the Constant Sun.
The Good Queen of Oprah waved her MagicWand and a Pumpkin turned into a Huge Mansion, with its own Swimming Pool, which was much more inclusive than the one in Bucking Out Strangers To This Country Palace.
“I’m so happy,” beamed Princess Sparkles as the Queen of Oprah waved her Magic Wand again and a Huge Shower of Golden Coins rained in from the Kingdom of Netflix. “I’ll write a book about the Wicked Queen and the Evil Duchess and I’ll go on a Magical Moving Screen to tell everyone in The World about how Racist and Unfriendly everyone is in the Land of Rain.”
There was another Huge Shower of Golden Coins.
And absolutely no one lived Happily Ever After.