BEACHCOMBER

104 YEARS OLD AND STILL A MODEL OF INTEGRITY...

BEACHCOMBER: a statement. I know that the people of this country are interested in matters such as the correct placement of apostrophes, sesquipedalianism and the threat posed by sea lions to our transport system. Yet I feel bound to reply to unfounded slurs made against me recently.

These allegations appear to have started with remarks by the former acting deputy assistant sommelier at Beachcomber Towers, whose services were terminated years ago following an incident involving a glaring solecism. His peevish accusations centre on the financing of plumbing repairs at my residence and they unfairly impugn my transparency, trust and integrity.

The plumbing issue was urgent. On several occasions, I had found the bathroom floor awash with water, delaying my morning bath. Eventually, I found that the flooding was the accumulation of sporadic dripping from behind the sink. Even more eventually, and despite suggestions that I should call a plumber, I resolved to deal with it myself.

Clean water, of course, is transparent, but one cannot always trust the integrity of the washers in the plumbing that stop it from dripping, yet this simple fact in no way reflects on my own integrity, trust and transparency. I was perfectly open in going to Wilko and purchasing a wrench to be able to inspect the suspect washers. I stress that I paid £7.50 of my own money for this item and no royalties were due to monkeys as it was clearly a perfectly ordinary wrench or adjustable spanner with no monkey connections. At home, I turned off the water and unscrewed the tap. Unfortunately, I had turned off only the cold water and hot water shot out, nearly reaching the ceiling. I deny, however, saying that I would rather see water piling up in the bathroom than have to pay a plumber’s exorbitant fees.

Unable to screw the tap back on through fear of scalding my hands, I thought quickly and turned on the bath tap to drain the hot water tank. On examining the unscrewed tap, I was surprised to find nothing wrong with the washers whose integrity had clearly not disintegrated, so I screwed it back together, tightened it with the wrench, and mopped up the water with a mop that I had also paid for myself. I have had no dripping since. I trust this clears up the matter and we shall hear no more of it.