Bee sting in the fish tale

IF I TELL you that tonight’s three challenges are to make “a snappy romper suit, a fishy transformation and a waterproof made-tomeasure”, can you guess which week we’ve reached in THE GREAT BRITISH SEWING BEE (BBC1, 9pm)?

Yes, that’s right, it’s Wouldn’t Be Seen Dead In Any Of This Clobber Week.

Or, as it’s officially known, Children’s Week, where making clothes that the contestants wouldn’t actually wear themselves is, to be fair, largely the point of the exercise.

Creating clothes for children, needless to say, poses a special kind of challenge. Besides being smart and fashionable they need to be ultra-resilient, reflecting the fact that the wearer is likely to be spilling food down themselves, splashing in muddy puddles, crawling around in sandpits and frequently taking a tumble for the simple reason that they’ve not yet fully mastered the art of walking. Essentially, imagine me after nine glasses of sauvignon blanc and you’ve got a pretty good idea of the type of person you’re making these clothes for.

(That’s a joke, I hasten to add. Obviously it’s merlot for me or nothing).

Of this week’s tasks, you probably won’t be surprised to hear that it’s the middle one – the fish thing – that brings out the sewers’ true creativity. For this, they’re each given a neoprene wetsuit to work with, along with various floats, noodles (no, not that sort of noodle, silly) and other random swimming aids. “You’re going to make a fancy-dress costume for a child,” the lady judge in the dreadful necklace then tells the contestants, “inspired by under the sea”.

So what sea creature will each of the sewers decide to create? Funny you should ask, because that’s exactly what host Joe Lycett wants to know, as he strolls around the room, watching these fancy dress thingies slowly taking shape.

The four remaining women contestants, he discovers, are making a jellyfish, a shark, an octopus and a rainbow fish respectively.

And the four remaining men? Between them they’re making “a crab”, “some kind of mermaid”, “possibly a mermaid” and, perhaps most intriguingly, “some sort of, like, mermaid thing or summat!”.

Elsewhere this evening, episode two of JOHNNY VEGAS: CARRY ON GLAMPING (C4, 10pm) is where Johnny’s ambitious project – to create Britain’s coolest glamping site, using restored vintage buses as the accommodation – hits a snag. Yes, another one.

Just when they’ve found the perfect new location, at a spot in Yorkshire, some sort of global pandemic breaks out.

Isn’t that just typical? Still, I’m sure it’ll soon blow over.