BEACHCOMBER 104 YEARS OLD AND STILL SELLING SEASONAL PRESENTS...

CHRISTMAS is coming, unless it’s cancelled again. So this is a propitious time to launch our seasonal Beachivations catalogue full of appropriate gifts for all the family. Order them now and you will have time to return them if Christmas doesn’t happen! So here goes our new offers:

PESTIPLUS: A welcome addition to our best-selling SPRINKLE-MATE range of additives guaranteed to enhance the flavour of any meal, a simple rotation of the lid allows you to select from four sprinkles. As well as everyone’s old favourite BEACHKILL, designed to restore the natural flavour of pesticide to organic food, Pestiplus offers a powder made of eggs, cheese and milk to add to vegan food, a powder made from pure beef extract to add to anything vegetarian, and pure gluten to add to gluten-free food. Hours of tasty fun.

ANDREKSWAGEN: Thanks to Covid, we are able to offer Beachcomber readers the world’s only car that runs not on hard-toobtain petrol but plentiful toilet paper. Clear your houses of all those loo-rolls you bought in the pandemic pandemonium panic, while saving money. Also available is our top-of-the-range Loorolls-Royce, operating on three-ply embossed paper. The perfect way to give up fossil fuels. MINI-WIPER: The ideal gift for glasses wearers, this will end the misery of lenses clouding over when wearing a face mask. Designed by scientists, the batteryoperated tiny windscreen wiper fits over glasses and sweeps condensation off lenses to bring back perfect vision to the wearer. COVID-22: We’re all tired of Covid-19, which is past its sell-by date, but imagine the kudos of being the first in your area to contract new variant Covid-22 – or to be vaccinated against it. Our Covid-22 range, embargoed until January 1, contains all that is needed to catch, cope with and counter it, from virus to vaccine, including social distancing crinoline underskirt.

INESSENTIALS: A range to compete with so-called “essentials” stocked by others. From pointless toys, including the “White Irrelephant”, which sits ignored on the floor, to our Superfluous Suppers leftover dishes and ignorable foodstuffs such as our Notnececelery, Inessentials has infinite opportunities for the creative buyer: throw them away, give them away, or leave them until later, their uselessnesses are endless.