Bemused by women? No change there then
SIR Rod Stewart has said that in the wake of enduring his wife Penny’s uncomfortable mid-life change, he thinks it would be a good idea for men to have “menopause classes”. “It was frightening,” he said, somewhat implausibly, given that one suspects it would take more than a few hot flushes to get Mr “Do Ya Think I’m Sexy” down. And I’m not too sure about “menopause classes” either, but it’s not such a terrible idea to inform the male of the species about that other topic that defeated even Sigmund Freud: “What does a woman want?” Chaps: take note.
What we women want is to be treated with respect. We’re your equals, after all! However, we also unreservedly demand the right to jump on chairs and scream when a mouse appears (guilty), burst into tears when our hairdresser doesn’t make us blonde enough (guilty) and turn soppy at unexpected gifts and tokens of affection. Yes, we can run multi-national companies (or at least some of us can) but nothing speaks to the feminine psyche like a bouquet.
What we women want world peace, obviously, and an end to all crime, but what we also want is chocolate cake that is not fattening, hosiery that does not sport a run the first time you put it on and nail polish that cannot spill on the sofa or chip halfway through an important dinner party. What we women want is chick lit that is not presented in a bright pink cover, but in sombre tones of grey, with a serious title, so it looks as if we are reading improving literature. For example, The Secret Dreamworld of a Shopaholic retitled The Influence of the Subconscious on the Retail Industry With A Focus on Individual Response Mechanisms. That’ll impress them on the train.
We women are very concerned about environmental issues, obviously, but we do get awfully irritated when trees deliberately shed their leaves in such a way as to clog up our heels and make marks on our satin footware. Perhaps someone could do something about that? We also don’t like it when the weather is too cold to go out coatless in our brand new evening wear, although admittedly, the hardy lasses of the north east don’t let that bother them. Now those are women who do deserve respect. What we women really want, obviously, is to be treated like
goddesses, even when caught with no make-up and wearing our sweat pants; intellectual geniuses even when we can’t work out how to open a simple lock; Hollywood glamour pusses, even when the closest we’ve got to star status is reading the latest gossip about Catherine Zeta-Jones; commercial powerhouses even when our greatest contribution to major industry is buying make-up produced by Unilever.
What we don’t want is anyone ordering from a menu for us (does anyone still do that?), strangers patting us on the bottom (Stanley Johnson, allegedly, which explains a lot), being alerted to the fact that our favourite jeans are getting a little tight (they’ve shrunk, all right?) and rock stars being patronising about their wife going through the menopause.
And what this particular woman really wants? Pink champagne on tap.
ARE some sectors of society determined to cancel women altogether? The Brit Awards are set to scrap male and female categories and instead will just name the best British artist. This year Adele is expected to sweep the board but according to those in the know, most years almost inevitably a man will win. Now sit back and wait for the same thing to happen at the Baftas and the Oscars (and those actresses who have insisted on being called “actors” are going to seriously regret it.) Don’t say you haven’t been warned.
A TEAM of scientists in Germany have created a new type of home insulation made out of granulated popcorn. That should cut out the need for a dash to the kitchen if you got the munchies in the middle of the night!
ON it goes: it has now been claimed that the NHS treats girls who don’t like dolls as transgender. Far from understanding or empowering anyone, this is just pandering to lazy stereotypes. Will they adopt the same attitude to any female who doesn’t like pink?