Suit is cork of the town

THREE minutes into tonight’s final of HANDMADE: BRITAIN’S BEST WOODWORKER (C4, 8pm) and I find myself wanting to throw judge Alex de Rijke in the nearest river.

Not because I mean him any harm, let me stress. Alex seems a fine fellow. Indeed, he’s one of the most likeable judges of a Channel 4 carpentry competition I’ve ever encountered.

No, the reason I want to chuck him in a river (a pond would do at a pinch, provided it’s a deep one) is simply that he’s wearing a cork suit.Yes, as in a suit made entirely of cork. Naturally, then, I’m curious to see if this would enable him to float. If it did, I think I might buy one myself.

Swimming, after all, is an awful fag, what with all that thrashing about and what have you, so the thought of being able just to lie there almost motionless on the water’s surface in my lovely suit of cork, maybe even taking a nice nap, is enormously appealing.

Already I can picture the looks of envy on my fellow swimmers’ faces.

That said, it’s probably best we save this test of Alex’s buoyancy until later, because he and fellow judge Helen Welch have an important job to do first. Namely, to decide which of the three remaining contestants, whittled down from the original nine, will take the inaugural title.

For their concluding task, these finalists – Radha, Misti and Charlie – are asked to make “a garden building”. The only rule is it has to be “at least two metres high, two metres wide and two metres deep”, so if I were them I’d play it safe and just make a box. Strangely, nobody does.

And the prize that awaits the champion? Why, a trophy of course. And a distinctive one at that. Design-wise, it looks like the sort of cup you’d hand to the winners of an under-17s football tournament and expect them to be darned grateful. But the difference with this one is – can you guess? Yes, it’s made of wood.

Of course it is. They do like to labour the wood theme on this show. Which is all very well, but surely your reward for winning a contest such as this shouldn’t just be something you could have knocked up yourself in round one.

Otherwise, what next? The winner of Sewing Bee being awarded a frock stitched from pre-loved tea towels?

The winner of Bake Off getting a doughnut?

Still, these are details the producers can sit down and re-evaluate if the show gets recommissioned.

And do I think it will be? Well, if I were the sort of person who liked terrible puns, I’d conclude by saying: “It wooden surprise me! Ha ha!”

Luckily for you I’m not, so I shan’t.