BEACHCOMBER 104 Years olD anD still reaCHinG For tHe stY…

WE HAVE heard much about the Prime Minister’s meeting with Peppa Pig, but now, exclusive to this column, we have Peppa’s own account of this historic event.

Well, gosh, snort, snort. I was really excited when Mr Boris came to see me. I nuzzled his elbow with my snout in the approved manner and invited him into my sty, but he preferred to stay in the open.

After he had congratulated me on my industry, I told him I was worried about his pig policy. He told me his plans were brilliant, which I found very reassuring, but I reminded him of a survey I’d seen.

“Only 20 per cent of the pigs surveyed went to market,” I told him, “while the rest divided equally among staying at home, eating roast beef and starving. It’s hardly surprising that another 20 per cent cried wee-wee-wee all the way home.”

“That was a small sample,” he said. “Anyway, eating roast beef has been against government advice for pigs since the Mad Cow outbreak in the 1990s. According to scientific advice, we cannot be sure the disease will not cross the species barrier and lead to Porcine Spongiform Encephalopathy.”

“But those of us who didn’t eat beef had none and starved,” I said. “Surely this can’t be right if it leads to only 20 per cent of us reaching market and capitalising on our bacon and pork reserves.”

“I was coming to that,” said the PM, shuffling his papers and apologising. Then he continued: “British bacon is the best in the world and I congratulate you.” “But with only 20 per cent of our bacon reaching the market, we’ve opened the way for Danish imports, even though they are more costly since Brexit,” I said.

“I’m glad you mentioned Denmark,” he said. “We’re expecting an announcement shortly of an agreement with Ikea to provide inexpensive but durable makeyour-own-sty flatpacks for British pigs.”

“Ikea?” I said. “Isn’t that Swedish?” “We’ve done a trade deal with the Faroe Islands,” he said irrelevantly. “It’s a start.”

“But your proposed cap on pigs paying their own sty repairs is unfair to the 80 per cent that cannot get to market or have sties blown down by big bad wolves,” I said.

“Thanks to our policies, there haven’t been any huffing and puffing wolves in England since the 14th century,” he said.

“They’ll be back,” was my parting shot.