BEACHCOMBER 105 YEARS OLD AND STILL TELEPHONICALLY IRRITATING…
TODAY, I am going to break with tradition and tell you something really useful that solves one of life’s great problems. It is great fun as well and the idea came to me when I was woken by a phone call the other day at the absurdly early time of 9.44am.
I picked up the phone and said “Hello”. I know Alexander Graham Bell advocated answering phone calls with an “Ahoy,” but I have always preferred Thomas Edison’s proposed “Hello”. I have tried “What do you want?” or “Yo” but always come back to “Hello” as friendly but non-committal.
My caller took some time to respond but said, in a heavily accented female voice: “Is that Mr Beachcomber?” I confirmed that it was and my caller said that she was calling from (organisation unintelligible) and wanted to ask me a few questions.
“Excellent,” I said, “but I should like to ask you a few questions first. Will that be all right.”
“Er, yes,” she said. “What would you like to know?” “Where are you calling from?” I asked and she repeated the garbled name of the organisation.
“No,” I said, “I mean, which country are you calling from?” “I am in South-east Asia,” she said. “India?” I suggested, and she agreed. “How old are you?” I asked, and she told me she was 34. “How long have you been doing this job?” I asked, and she said for about three months. “What were you doing before?” I asked, and she said she had been studying, so naturally I asked what she had been studying.
“I just have a few questions to ask you,” she said firmly. “But I haven’t got to the end of my questions yet,” I replied. “What were you studying before you started making unsolicited phone calls?” “I haven’t got time for this,” she said. “And neither have I,” I told her. And she put the phone down.
This was a shame, as I was nowhere near the end of the list of questions I had prepared. What was her shoe size? What was her favourite colour? What was her favourite animal? How would she feel if she saw a (insert favourite colour) (insert favourite animal)? And how would she feel if a total stranger woke her up and started asking pointless questions?
Do try this procedure yourself. It’s much better than being rude and more satisfying than just saying: “Take my number off your list”, which never works anyway.