FAMILY (BREAKDOWN) PLANNING

TOh, dear. Those tram tracks of eyeliner on Michelle’s lids might not be there much longer. When pregnant Leanne (above left, with Michelle) is rushed to hospital, supportive Michelle doesn’t realise that Steve is the father. You’d think he’d have learnt his lesson after spawning the devil child Amy. Michelle persuades Steve that they too should have a baby, though why she wants to go to Ireland to start planning is anyone’s guess. What’s wrong with picking up a leaflet at the surgery?

Another secret gets out when Eileen overhears Todd and Billy discussing their relation- here are two things you’d be well advised never to do if you want to avoid being killed. One: go to a party where Murder, She Wrote’s Jessica Fletcher is a guest (never visit her Cabot Cove home, either); and two, move to soapland, where the murder rate has to be 100 times the national average.

Kylie’s death in Corrie comes relatively hot on the heels of her killing Callum and hiding him under the floorboards of Gail’s annexe. The Grim Reaper is certainly fond of that family. Gail has three dead husbands to her name, including one serial killer, which produced possibly the best line in the history of the show (‘Norman Bates with a briefcase’). She can certainly pick ’em, so I’d get out while you still have breath, Michael. Gail collects coffins like Simon Cowell collects buttonless shirts.

The Grim Reaper’s equally evil twin has just visited EastEnders again, with Paul being the latest victim. Ben is another rigor mortis magnet, and it looks as if Emmerdale’s Lachlan is heading that way, too. Let’s just hope Walford, Weatherfield and Emmerdale never hold a book festival and invite Jessica Fletcher to speak. We’d be talking carnage.

ship (the FBI ought to buy their equipment from the place that supplies Street Cars). She softens when Todd says Billy might be The One (God once told his only son the same thing, and look how that turned out). Eileen says they have to tell Sean – look out for lowflying collection plates when they do.

It’s not a great week for David, who has to pick out Kylie’s outfit for the funeral. There’s not a big selection. Are corpses allowed to wear crop tops these days? After telling Gemma she won’t be welcome, David relents, but determined to make someone pay for his wife’s death, is he planning something?