SOAP WATCH

Where would you choose to live in Soapland? I could be quite happy in Emmerdale’s Home Farm, not least because of the wine cellar which, given how much everyone drinks, might be the size of Austria. But I don’t want to deal with the cold of the Yorkshire Dales.

EastEnders’ terraced houses are quite nice, although the noise of the market traders setting up at dawn might be off-putting. Then there’s the cost of redecorating, following the departure of previous owners (all of whom have appalling taste that only a fire and rebuild could make good).

I’m rather taken with Phelan and Vinny’s apartment development in Coronation Street. There’s the small problem of it being a scam (ie non-existent), but the brochures are so pretty. Carla’s old place is smart, too, but it’d take a year to clear out the empty red wine bottles that must be hidden in every nook and cranny.

It’s just as well none of these places exist, really. It’s enough stress just thinking about them – imagine what putting down a deposit would be like. Which reminds me, Phelan. The cheque’s in the post.