CORONATION STREET

And so, this is Christmas, as John Lennon sang (you were wrong about the ‘war is over’ bit, love, but that’s another story). Will anyone get to eat the turkey before raising the carving knife to someone’s throat? Will florists desert their Boxing Day fry-up to cope with strategically placed deaths? Will anyone realise Lidl is cheaper than the corner shop? Will the sprout hysteria we’re all gripped by on Christmas Eve (the only day of the year the nation goes into sprout mode) register with these people who, bizarrely, enjoy the calmest shopping time?

This is the time of year when I always worry for soapland’s vegetarians – although, off the top of my head, I can’t think of any. Coronation Street’s Rosie turned veggie (although that didn’t stop her shopping in the men meat market), but the lentil roasts aren’t exactly jumping off the shelves. And Betty’s Hotpot continues to be the staple diet of pretty much everyone on a daily basis and, at Christmas, nobody in Weatherfield, Walford or Emmerdale is going to replace the traditional Christmas fare with a four-cheese 12-incher from Pizza Express. Keep carving!

ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS... NOT YOU

Is the ever-smiling (verging on the hysterical) Eva (left) about to have the smile wiped off her face by Aidan confessing his love for Maria (above, with Aidan)? Oh dear, I don’t think I can bear the pain when she puts her all into making a lavish dinner. More stuffing, anyone?

And what’s with all the pill-popping? Christmas sees Andy downing stolen painkillers and Bethany overdosing on diet pills when Sarah discovers her secret crush is Gary. Mortified, Bethany disappears and collapses in the ginnel, where she’s rescued by Nathan, Shona’s ex. When he puts his number into Bethany’s phone, you know she’s heading from the frying pan into an inferno. Nathan, by the way, works at a tanning salon, which we can only hope will become a spot for Aidan to top up his summer tan.

Nick’s suspicions over Peter making a move on Leanne reach boiling point in a street brawl involving a Bros tape (if you have to ask who Bros are and what a tape is, you’re too young to be reading this). What’s the message on the tape that so horrifies Leanne?

With the arrival of her secret son, Jude, Mary has a big decision to make, and it’s D-day when the locals gather in the Rovers to wish her well in her new life. But will she go to live with Jude and his wife in South Africa, or will she realise Weatherfield is her true home?