SOAP WATCH

JACI STEPHEN’S ultimate insight into the week’s soaps

Everyone turns to something different in times of crisis. In EastEnders, it’s alcohol (Phil) or sex (Phil, again – and Shirley, Sharon, the dearly departed Ronnie and Roxy, Max... well, why not name the whole cast and have done with it?).

In Emmerdale, young people turn to drugs and/or sex, while adults turn to sex, blackmail and kidnapping (it’s a very weird village).

In Coronation Street there’s ‘a brew’ which, given its calming effects, should be employed when trying to solve Middle East problems. A brew is followed by alcohol in the soothing stakes. Michelle demanded a double brandy in the Rovers yesterday, after discovering Steve’s deception (she’d have been within her rights to order two bottles). The Bistro also doubles as a therapy centre to which everyone goes when stressed to down cheap wine (sometimes, so cheap, there are empty bottles behind the bar; bizarrely, this goes unnoticed by locals).

And finally, there’s The Run. Nick went on two last week, the second being beneath a full moon. Oh, yes – that other given in soapland and the sign that real trouble has hit: the fake, computer graphics full moon.