CORONATION STREET

There are many who’d argue that soap has the toughest job in TV: to come up with storyline after storyline, week on week for infinity, and keep viewers entertained. It’s therefore inevitable that shows are going to hit rough patches. But heck – there’s rough and there’s terrain of earthquake proportions.

Coronation Street – normally my favourite – has lost the plot (literally and metaphorically). What did they hope to achieve by bringing back Rob and sending Tracy scuttling off into the Peak District sunset, with Amy in tow (did Granada TV strike a deal with the Derbyshire tourist board?). As for the armed cops’ arrival – well, you’d be hard pushed to see anything more OTT had they discovered the whereabouts of Jack the Ripper.

Then there’s EastEnders. Within the past year, we’ve had one character do a carpentry course, another a web designing course, and now Denise is studying for a GCSE. How can we contain ourselves with all this excitement?

Emmerdale is currently leading the field, although a little top heavy on tragedy. Still, so long as Cain keeps getting his kit off for the gals, who’s complaining?

THE OTHER WOMAN/MORON Maria’s repetition of the phrase ‘I must be shtoopid’ must inevitably be in rehearsal for a comeback following her decision to be mistress to Aidan (inset). ‘It’s better than nothing,’ she cooed, before asking: ‘Do we have a deal?’

What are you thinking, woman? Any man would accept that kind of deal – and don’t forget, he’ll be getting free haircuts too. How realistic is Maria being when, out of guilt, she tries to make Eva (pictured, left, with Maria) hate her by impersonating her in front of the factory girls (Samia Longchambon did the most brilliant impression of Eva’s laugh).

Is anyone buying this Gina storyline, or is Leah behind it all and making Gina just think she’s bipolar? I’m also not buying Michelle’s alleged love for Robert – not least because he claims to be a chef and didn’t touch one utensil the entire week (mind you: nothing new there).

Star of the week is Kate Ford (Tracy). How does any actor manage to say a line like this and keep a straight face: ‘I’m laying the groundwork for when we get in that container.’ It’s a long story, folks. You had to see it, really.

Yeti of the week: Audrey. The way her fringe is growing, she’ll need a topiarist to help her find her way out of it this side of Christmas.