CHRISTMAS SOAP WATCH

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas, but as we know from bitter experience, the festive season in soapland isn’t exactly a bundle of laughs. Billy is at death’s door in Coronation Street, Fi continues to uncover the darkness of her dad’s life in EastEnders, and in Emmerdale the aftermath of Emma’s murder continues to have repercussions for one villager (again).

Come the big day itself, there is great excitement for Corrie’s Cathy when Brian is arrested after punching a drunk man for insulting her, and in Walford Max and his family’s world is about to implode big time. In Emmerdale, we can hope in vain for an end to Robert and Aaron’s on/off romance. It’s like a Christmas turkey. Just when you think it’s been exhausted, there are still pickings to be had from the leftover bones. Where this pair is concerned, however, the show is still picking at the bones from last year’s bird. At least with Carla back in Corrie, we can expect some drunken behaviour to entertain us. Or can we? When she refuses to toast the festivities with alcohol, what might she be hiding? Oh, please don’t let her be teetotal. Vintners the world over will be sobbing into their grapes.

INSIGHT OF THE YEAR ‘Pale, plain, square... Daniel!’ Tracy, choosing Daniel’s Secret Santa soap, Corrie

GREAT UNDERSTATEMENT ‘Neither of us is going to win a Hearts of Gold award.’ Eva to Adam, Corrie

SHOTGUN WEDDING (VOWS)?

Will Linda hang on to the hairdresser who has (thankfully) done her hair for the renewal of her wedding vows? That’s the big question looming over what will doubtlessly be another miserable Walford Christmas. Mick (pictured, with Linda) has other things on his mind when Aidan hands him a present, which turns out to be a gun (are all soap writers overdosing on Emmerdale these days? Enough firearms!). When Linda discovers the weapon, he has to come clean. His logic is he’s sick of being the nice guy. Really? I’d recommend a therapist – this isn’t just delusional, it’s clinically insane

(actually, forget the therapist; nothing short of a lobotomy will destroy this delusion).

When Mick tells Aidan he wants nothing to do with his plan, will Aidan make his life more difficult? So much for Linda and Mick’s plan to make their last Christmas in the Vic the best ever (the bar is set pretty low). I really hope that with all this going on, someone’s remembered to put the turkey in the oven.

There’s a horror nativity imminent when Tina suspects she’s pregnant with Billy’s baby. It’s not exactly in the same league as Mary and Joseph, but it makes Tina think she might like a second go at motherhood. Poor kid.