Daily Mail - Daily Mail Weekend Magazine
OUT OF OUR DEPTH!
When a group of celebrities took a boating trip to southern France it was anything but plain sailing
Every year thousands of Britons hop aboard a barge to enjoy a gentle, stress-free break meandering down some of Europe’s best-loved waterways. But when five celebrities with little to no boating experience were asked to do the same for a TV series, it was anything but relaxing. From near-misses with lock gates to spectacular crashes and bust-ups between the crews, their journey through southern France was an extremely wild ride.
Taking part in Celebrity 5 Go Barging were actor Tom Conti, singer Tony Christie and TV gardener Diarmuid Gavin on one boat, and Olympian Tessa Sanderson, who won gold for javelin, and presenter Penny Smith in the other. They were tasked with sailing two vessels, Mystique and Magnifique, through the beautiful River Lot, then taking an old barge and a modern cruiser on the Canal du Midi.
Tony, 74, who topped the charts in Europe in 1971 with ( Is This The Way To) Amarillo, had a lot riding on this break. ‘A barge holiday has been on my bucket list for over 40 years. My crooning career got in the way. Any work that came in, I said, “Yes, I’ll do it,” to the detriment of holidays.’
For the long-awaited four-week trip, shown over four episodes, Tony’s wife Sue packed him an elegant Noël Cowardstyle silk dressinggown. But in reality he could have done with arm bands. ‘There was a terrifying moment when the boat nearly sank at the end of the Canal du Midi’s Fonserannes staircase locks and I was nearly swept away,’ recalls Tony. ‘Tom Conti, our honorary admiral who’d been on a boat before, was on the tiller but he couldn’t hear me shouting, “Move back!” Everyone thought I’d gone overboard.’
Even Captain Conti got into a scrape of his own by bumping another vessel, as Penny, 59, gleefully recalls. ‘When we knew he’d crashed into another boat, it gave us more confidence,’ she laughs. But that confidence was short-lived as Penny, an- ex GMTV presenter, managed to steer her boat into a tree. Luckily, perky Diarmuid quickly came to the rescue to free her.
‘Penny is great fun, though she’s very bossy and likes to be in control,’ chuckles Diarmuid. ‘When her boat became tangled in a tree I did feel a bit smug. And you should have heard the screaming between Penny and Tessa when their boat got stranded on sandbanks – they were like a pair of banshees.’
But this episode was soon eclipsed by his own crash – one of the most spectacular of the trip. ‘Tony and I were like Dumb And Dumber,’ admits Diarmuid, 53. ‘I had a go at steering the boat out of a packed harbour and suddenly it went shooting forwards; everyone was screaming and there was a frenzy as we smashed into a boat in front. But I just kept going and the decorative anchor at the side of the other boat also smashed my bed- room window. That was just the first window to be smashed.’
Unsurprisingly, Tom insisted that everyone ‘just remind Diarmuid that his command is only temporary’. And Diarmuid was only too happy to defer to him. ‘He was unflappable. When things got really dramatic and our boat nearly sank at the lock, Tom even took video footage to show his grandson! He’s a great raconteur but also a grumpy old so and so. If there was a trade union to be formed, he’d be the one to do it.’
Tom, 76, best known for his role in the 1989 film Shirley Valentine, agrees. ‘I’m not good at holidays; I certainly couldn’t sit on a beach. But this show was really a recce for me. I might go again with the family. I like boats, I like the river, I like my companions. It’s been unusual. On the last day of our journey on the River Lot we were beginning to learn to live together.’
One of the greatest allures for Tom was the wine. In the show, when he spots the vineyards and the wine-carrying barges near Cahors, he happily points out, ‘That’s a good omen: a whole boatful of wine.’
But Tessa wasn’t so enthusiastic on that subject. ‘The others drank a bit more red wine than I do, and when I told them I’ve never been drunk, it floored them. But I loved being with them. Life after winning gold at the Olympics could be dull if I’d let it. I’m nearly 62 and love new challenges. Sometimes it’s nice just to throw yourself in there.’
Tony agrees, ‘In the end we all got on well and felt like a bunch of old married couples – even if we were out of our depth.’
‘Penny and Tessa screamed at each other like banshees’
Celebrity 5 Go Barging begins next month on Channel 5.