SOAP WATCH

JACI STEPHEN’S ultimate insight into the week’s soaps

When TV shows send out warnings about ‘scenes that some viewers might find disturbing’, you have to wonder whether those scenes should be aired at all. At the very least, you have to question the transmission time.

Coronation Street warned viewers about Aidan’s suicide and, even though no details were shown, there has been the usual furore over what should be shown pre-watershed and in a so- called family show. It’s an endless debate. I have my own list of deeply distressing things that should be banned from soapland.

Sinead’s voice in Corrie. Every time that whine starts, like the foghorn of a tired cruise ship leaving port, the hackles on my neck rise so far my scalp runs for cover. EastEnders’ Karen. EastEnders’ chess games. Linda’s wobbly bun. Karen’s wobbly bun (I repeat: Karen, full stop). And so, to Emmerdale. Guns, kidnappings, car boots, people who can’t decide whether they want to sleep with men or women, Debbie’s teacups, beards (or at least get to a decent barber to get them trimmed).

I’m glad that’s off my chest. I want to be clear: distress is in the nerves of the beholder.

GUYS AND DOLLS

The landlord’s brain is missing. But, what’s new? Seriously, will Mick never learn? When he and Halfway surprise Stuart, the three regress to their childhood days and get drunk (Halfway half-cut doesn’t begin to cover it). When they retire to the Vic, Stuart tells Hayley to get into bed with a comatose Mick (pictured). Linda, needless to say, is not a happy bunny and chucks Hayley out (inset). What’s Stuart’s game, and what secret has Halfway been hiding from Mick?

Meanwhile, back in the world of on/off lesbian Sonia and on/off wife Stacey, the compe-

GREATEST PERCEPTION

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tition for Martin’s weekly pay cheque of £3.50 heats up. Encouraged by Kat, Stacey asks him out for a drink but gets short shrift. Admitting she still loves him, there is a re-ignited spark – though we’re talking more matchstick than ‘Light up the sky with fireworks’. When the penny drops that Stacey and her cousin Hayley conspired to set him up when Stacey called the police, the spark is extinguished quicker than a giraffe’s sparkler on Noah’s Ark. So, Martin decides to take Sonia for a meal and she encourages him to move on and get away for a few days to clear his head (that shouldn’t take long). Does she have an alternative plan?