EASTENDERS

TOO MUCH INFORMATION

‘It leaks a bit – like me.’ Flora, donating a teapot to Sinead and Daniel, Corrie AGE CONCERN DISSENTER ‘What are you celebrating? Getting to the end of another day?’ Tracy, to Flora, Corrie

Compared to the rest of the population, soapland characters whip through a lot of partners in a lifetime. As Steve hilariously reminded Dev in last week’s Corrie, he’s had eight engagements; he used a complex flow chart to keep count of them and to work out why there were only seven rings.

EastEnders’ Ian has been through his fair share of ladies, too, and foolishly is trying to come back for seconds with Mel. Anyone who’s seen her current beau Jack in handcuffs (thank you again, Janine) knows that won’t happen anytime soon. Even Masood reminding Ian of his marital past – including twice to Jane – isn’t stopping his Mission Impossible.

In Emmerdale, everyone’s at it and always has been. I suspect the reason they had to drop the ‘Farm’ bit from the original title was that no one had any time to do any milking/shearing, given how much time they spent in the cricket pavilion/Woolpack cellar/Range Rover being over-friendly with the neighbours.

If anyone ever does mate for life – Corrie’s Roy and Hayley, Vera and Jack, for example – rest assured it will end in misery when one of them dies. Stay single, I say.

WHO’S HOLDING THE BABY?

The discussions over who will raise baby Abi rage on, but at the rate they’re going she’ll be celebrating her 18th before the custody fight’s over. The idea that Max thinks Rainie is good ammunition for the forthcoming battle is absurd, especially when she returns to her old ways and tries to buy drugs. Phil spots this and sends the dealer packing – which for Rainie is like switching cabins on the Titanic. Let’s not forget how the pair ended up last time – out of it on crack cocaine in a living room where even cockroaches feared to tread. Cora hopes to move on from the past and gives Rainie (pic-

tured with Cora, and holding Abi) a tempting offer. Chinese water torture would be a step up from every other offer she’s had in life.

Not even the make-up department, inflicting a black eye and bleeding lip on Mick, has enabled him to look anything other than in the first throes of rigor mortis (actually, the latter stages, of late). Let’s see if he manages to raise an eyebrow when he hears of Stuart’s intimidating behaviour towards Linda (don’t hold your breath). When Mick demands an explanation, Stuart tries to make amends (don’t hold anything other than the TV remote; it’s breathtakingly tedious stuff).