SOAP WATCH

The local pub is the focal point in soapland. It’s where everyone goes to air their dirty laundry in public, relationships are made and broken, fights ensue, and long-buried secrets come to light. It’s therefore essential that the right landlord and/or landlady are behind the bar. Despite my misgivings about Mick, he and Linda seem very at home in East Enders’ Queen Vic. In Emmerdale, The Woolpack’s Chas and Charity provide welcome relief from all the ludicrous kidnap and murder plots.

Coronation Street’s Rovers Return got it wrong putting Peter and Toyah behind the bar. The characters didn’t fit, they rarely served any drinks (let alone take money for them), and there was always too much high drama and talk of babies going on in the back room.

Thankfully, that’s all about to change with new incumbents; it won’t, alas, be Henry and Gemma, whose excitement at the prospect of becoming a landlady is doomed. I still say Mary and Brian would have been perfect.

One thing all three pubs have in common is that last orders is hardly ever called – usually because everyone’s already been thrown out.

LICENCE TO FILL

How will Gemma react when she hears Henry still hasn’t signed on the dotted line to take over the pub licence? Worse, how will she feel when she learns Johnny and Jenny have bought it from right under his nose? The time bomb waiting to explode is the brief affair between Johnny and Liz [pictured, with Jenny, centre], so when Jenny tells Liz how grateful she is to have her on board, you know a ‘woman overboard’ moment can’t be far away.

Jenny at least has the decency to offer Gemma a bar job and, swallowing her pride, she accepts. Now all they need is that step-

ladder to help her reach the till. Look out for a lot of ‘Steve’ name-checks this week when he gets a little closer to Abi, who is competing with Beth to give Tracy the mother of all hen nights (oh, Steve, not again; will you never learn. Oops. I name-checked him there. You see? It’s catching). When Mary chips in with her ideas, too, expect high comedy.

As if the factory could not get any more exciting, Alya bagszzzzzzz a new contract. And Peter wastes no time in telling Carla there’s still a spark between them. Where both are concerned, it’s usually the kind that quickly ignites and nearly burns people alive.