CORONATION STREET

The ‘spoiler’ has become commonplace in soapland. Often, weeks before a character’s fate is revealed on screen, we are able to read about it in magazines and newspapers where storylines have been leaked. Emmerdale has promised an all-female episode to coincide with International Women’s Day in March 2019. It’s a nice idea, but why not go the whole hog and have an entire episode in which everyone drinks non-stop for International Beer Day in August (oh, hang on, they do that every day in the Woolpack already).

Coronation Street is allegedly spicing things up with another murder, and a key character is being touted as the would-be assassin (they’re certainly clocking up those killers; there’ll be one every ten cobbles at this rate).

What can we expect from EastEnders? A joke? (Don’t be silly.) The chippie to sell more than three potatoes’ worth of fries in a week? (Even sillier.) Billy to have a day on which he is not moaning about money/women? (Now you’re talking certifiable insanity.)

I long for the days when a cliff-hanger was exactly that. Now, we’ve opened the parachute before we’ve even jumped off the edge.

FOGHORN KEN ALERT

What had Sinead come as? I know the pagan wedding was alternative, but she was dressed like Lulu in the 1969 Eurovision Song Contest (alas, not with as many notes to her voice as the award-winning Boom Bang A Bang).

The misery continues as she is diagnosed with cervical cancer and has the agonising decision of whether to have a termination. She confides in Ken (pictured), but can he be trusted not to tell Daniel? Let’s hope the dilemma prevents him writing more ghastly short stories; that was a week we’ll never get back.

The walking frown that is Nick is back, but

not everyone is pleased. Toyah is furious Leanne is even speaking to him after he left her in the lurch when she needed him, and David wants nothing to do with him (a bit rich, given that David tried to kill him). So, why has Nick returned? (Paycheck is my guess.) He makes it clear that he wants Leanne back – but then he hasn’t seen the devil child that Simon has grown into yet. Take a rain check, Nick.

There’s good news for Jude when he’s nominated for a Good Samaritan Award, and he believes he and Angie still have a spark. Trust me, Jude: a pyromaniacs’ conference couldn’t ignite you two again.