EASTENDERS

Where does the time go? Doubtless soapland folk are echoing the thoughts of the country as the festive season comes around yet again (even though they managed to fit in a great deal more than the rest of us).

So, who faces the highly unusual prospect of having a happy Christmas? As usual, it’s unlikely to be in EastEnders, where turkeys cry out to be killed just so they don’t have to face the argumentative dinners alive.

Life doesn’t look any more rosy in Coronation Street, where the alcohol is flowing freely and forcing people to make bad decisions (nothing new there; they make just as many bad ones when sober). Sally may be spending the day in prison, but given the chaos occurring on the outside, she’s probably in the best place. At least she won’t have to spend hours slaving over a hot stove.

The day is a happier one in Emmerdale with a surprise wedding, but the festivities soon start to go downhill when Jimmy and Nicola discover they are unwelcome guests, and Maya returns to playing mind games with Jacob. Time to break open the Baileys, methinks. By the pint.

CAKE DISASTER

You know when someone is intent on having the perfect fairm-ly Christmas, it’ll be anything but. Kat’s dream day crashes down when Alfie learns that Stacey saw him kissing Hayley, forcing the latter to reveal he is Cherry’s father. Talk about the cherry on the (already messy) cake. Soon everyone, Kat (pictured centre, with Alfie, Hayley and Cherry) included, learns the troof. Surely not another year where no one makes it to the pudding? Boxing Day looks like being just that, as chaos ensues.

Christmas Eve sees excitement at the

Minute Mart when Kim and Phil accidentally get locked in the store room, she goes into labour and Phil has to help. Midwifery is not high on Phil’s list of dubious skills, so let’s hope we are saved too much information. Struggling without Vincent, will Kim see Phil in a new light, and will this herald the start of a new romance? Careful, Phil; unless you have Bose earphones to shut out Kim’s interminable blabbering, stay well clear. When Kim hosts a Christmas dinner for her fairm-ly (that was a quick postnatal recovery), she invites Phil as a thanks. You have been warned, Phil.