EASTENDERS

Much as progress is to be admired, there are times when it’s hard not to crave the traditional nuclear family in soapland. How much more complicated can life get? Take Corrie. Steve has fathered a baby with Tracy, another with Leanne, and is looking to adopt his grandchild now that Amy’s decided she wants to keep her baby. And let’s not forget that Leanne adopted Simon, who is the biological son of Peter the bigamist who is currently sleeping with Abi, whose twins are in foster care after the courts ruled against her 17-year-old son Seb taking them.

The ongoing game of Musical Children in EastEnders is a source of endless confusion. How many Carters are there now? I swear they’re breeding between episodes. As for Emmerdale, can Robert and Aaron endure any more difficulties? Last week’s plan was finding enough money for surrogacy, though the thought of either of these two unstable individuals contributing to the human race is terrifying. It has nothing to do with their being gay; they’re just... well, nuts. And I’m talking coconuts, not peanuts. Family trees don’t exist in soapland – only forests.

HOT SPICE WARNING

Given that Masood is easily one of the more eligible males in Walford, his lack of success with women has always been surprising. Still, he was married to someone whose behaviour made Boadicea look like the Mona Lisa, so maybe that put him off. Now, however, Kaffy’s back and telling him she wants to make a go of fings (pictured). Some women will do anything for a free masala. How will Ian react when he discovers the pair are an item? And is Masood’s bubble about to burst again when he hears surprising news? Give the poor guy a break! I’m not

sure Kaffy’s what he needs anyway (Jane was perfect for him); this woman has a track record longer than Usain Bolt’s.

It’s not a good week for relationships, and as Jean plucks up the courage to ask Ian on a date, it’s clear his mind is elsewhere (back in 1985 when the show started is my guess). Stacey realises she’s been giving Martin a hard time and tries to make it up to him with lunch. Hmm. That’s hardly pushing the boat out; it’s barely pushing the rubber duck from one end of the bath to the other. And Sharon is still wrestling with her conflicting feelings towards Keanu and Hoarse Whisperer Phil.