SOAP WATCH

A STICK IN TIME JACI STEPHEN’S ultimate insight into the week’s soaps

There’s a lot of death in the air at present. In May, Emmerdale’s Lisa died, followed by Frank in a fire (bringing the show’s running total to 177, should you care). EastEnders’ Mel is traumatised after the death of Hunter, and Corrie’s Sinead has learned she has four months to live.

Deaths are an inevitable part of life in soapland, where they outnumber the national average per square foot by many dozens; they are also generally strategically placed to coincide with Christmas/ New Year, hence the very specific timing of Sinead’s demise (don’t expect many laughs around the Barlow table this year).

Pregnancies and secrets are usually similarly timed, so EastEnders’ Sharon’s secret (the father of her child) and Corrie’s Robert’s secret (two fiancées, one of whom is pregnant) also look set to be exposed during the annual festivities. I’m not optimistic about Corrie’s Gemma, who, in addition to expecting quads, I suspect will have to endure a selective pregnancy, combining pregnancy and heartbreaking death in one fell swoop. Just another Christmas cracker for the box.

Call me squeamish, but the pregnancy test storyline has me running for the cushions to cover not only my eyes but my ears. There are some bodily functions I don’t want to hear about and as for the idea of dipping testing kits in buckets of Gemma’s... No, I’m not going there; it’s too much.

Anyway, on Monday an angry victim of the scam turns up (pictured, with Gemma, Chesney and Bernie) and threatens to call the police, so Chesney orders Bernie to pack her bags. (What does anyone ever have in these bags, by the way? Have you seen the ease with which everyone carries them?) The incident brings Bernie’s ex Kel back into their lives, and so begins another harrowing storyline about sexual abuse. Thank goodness they’ve given Paul something to do other than make goo-goo eyes at Billy, and when Billy starts to stick his nose in, tensions increase.

How long before Billy and James become an item, especially after James gives Bethany the brush-off and admits he’s gay? He claims that as an openly gay black footballer, he would not be accepted by some fans. It’s not his coming out as gay that should bother anyone, but when’s he going to come out as the footballer he claims to be? On the evidence so far, the man wouldn’t know a football if he swallowed it – a task that might be a lot easier than getting viewers to swallow his sporting prowess.