SOAP WATCH

JACI STEPHEN’S ultimate insight into the week’s soaps

The number of soapland residents who end up in prison far outweighs the national average and, because of the hopelessness of soap police and lawyers, it’s invariably the wrong ones. Corrie’s Deirdre was put away after being taken in by tie salesman and con artist Jon, the fake pilot. Gail was wrongly convicted for the murder of husband Joe, and Sally for fraud. Other inmates through the years have included Nick, Abi, Kirsty, Jim, Tracy, Peter – and, currently, David.

Does prison ever change them, though? Eastenders’ Phil and Ben learned nothing from their time inside, other than how not to make it as master criminals (the Corleones can rest easy). Emmerdale’s Charity and Kim continue to act like they’re competing for Lady Macbeth’s crown, while it’s clear Maya languishing in her cell has no remorse whatsoever for having seduced young Jacob. At least Corrie’s Sally learned yoga inside.

Soap prisons are real hellholes. They even make the prison in Les Misérables, in all its depressing and grim glory, look like a laughing policemen’s ball. Prisoners don’t even get to watch the soaps.

GUARANTEED RUIN

‘I’m not gonna let anything ruin today.’ Sarah to Shona, Corrie FAT CHANCE ‘We could get a TV deal to film the births.’ PR woman to Gemma, Corrie

■ ANOTHER BURNS NIGHT

When in doubt, blow it up. That’s always been a favourite ploy of Emmerdale when they (a) want to kill someone, (b) want sensationalist headlines, or (c) need to use some leftover explosives the props department have found in the bowels of Yorkshire TV.

It doesn’t take Pete long to spill the beans about Moira and Nate’s affair after Cain whacks him unconscious and ties him up (that props cellar also has an endless supply of kidnapping goodies). Next on his list are the totally unconvincing lovers, enjoying a night away but soon to enjoy a not-so-nice

boat trip when Cain (pictured centre, with Moira and Nate) forces them to head for the lakeside in his car. Naturally, there’s a can of petrol in the boot (does anyone keep anything other than bodies or murder weapons in car boots in the Dales?). In the men’s scuffle and with Moira going overboard, no one has noticed the leaking canister. If Nate thought his heart went boom every time he saw Moira, he ain’t felt nothing yet.

In happier liquid news, Chas’s waters break and Marlon’s there to coach her through the labour. I hope his kitchen skills getting buns out of ovens are up to scratch.

EMMERDALE