EASTENDERS

The list of soap psychos is a long one and gets longer every year. In last week’s Corrie, it was revealed that Jade is the daughter of Fiz’s ex, killer John Stape, which makes her Hope’s half-sister. Desperate to stay close to the devil child, she is following in her father’s footsteps, intent on ruining Fiz and Tyrone’s relationship.

While some are born psychos, some (to paraphrase Shakespeare) achieve psychoness and some have psycho-ness thrust upon them. Corrie’s Gary has gradually turned into a monster of the first order, and Eastenders’ Mel was going the same way before she met her end under a lorry. Any chance Ben had of acquiring a modicum of normality went out of the window when he killed ‘Evver’; the same goes for Bobby, after he killed Lucy (it’s not just policemen who are getting younger; killers are, too).

As for Emmerdale, you can’t move a rock in the Dales without another psycho crawling out. Cameron, Lachlan, Maya, Carl… this village makes Death Row look like Camberwick Green. Not all psychos are perceived as baddies, though. Look at Cain. As so many women do. Often.

■ ALL’SMELTHATENDSMEL

A funeral wouldn’t be a proper funeral without the threat of low-flying vol-au-vents at the wake, and, sure enough, Mel’s sendoff does not disappoint. As the locals gather to remember their barking-mad neighbour... I mean, friend... Lisa sees red when Phil and Sharon arrive (get your hard hats on; here come the vol-au-vents). As everyone praises Sharon, Lisa (pictured) can bear it no longer and in a dramatic speech (is there any other kind?) she brands Sharon a murderer and announces that Phil (inset, with Sharon) is not her baby’s father. Frankly, how will any

one be able to tell? All babies look like Phil. How will Sharon react when confronted? How will we know? Unless she hires a topiarist to get her out from behind those false eyelashes, we stand little chance of gauging any reaction that might be going on.

There is more baby talk when Louise’s waters break and she is rushed to hospital. Desperate for Sharon to be there, Louise begs Phil to find her, but to no avail (she’s with the topiarist, mate!). Ben has a rare moment of warmth towards his vulnerable dad and hatches a plan for the business. Why am I not optimistic?