EASTENDERS

■ BILLY ONE MATE

Which does Billy lose faster, women or money? It’s a tough call as he doesn’t have much luck holding on to either. Despite Mitch insisting Karen will always go back to him, Karen swears that Billy’s the only man for her, which tells you she doesn’t get out much, or there’s no one else in the queue for her. Or both.

Billy tells Mitch he’s determined to fight for Karen (with what, pray? He couldn’t beat anyone in a cotton bud fencing class) and the pair (pictured) go on a date. Alas, it goes horribly wrong when they bump into Mitch and Keegan and, when Karen follows her son, Mitch and Billy end up in a fight. Guess who comes off worse (go on: try, Sherlock)? When Karen returns, Billy thinks it’s time to give her an ultimatum (please let it be ‘Get a decent hairdresser or the relationship’s off’).

Phil, meanwhile, is still trying to get his hands on the Vic (what is it with alcoholics wanting to be pub owners in soapland?), but Linda is holding out because she doesn’t want to sell to him. Her reason? She doesn’t like the way he’s been treating Sharon. Come on: he machetes his way through those eyelashes to kiss her; that’s love. Mick enlists Sharon’s help to try to persuade Linda, as they both agree she’d be better off away from temptation.

Here’s a better idea: let Mick run off with Sharon, leaving Linda and Phil to run the pub – now that really would be a marriage made in vodka hell.

Emma Stansfield – Corrie taxi