SOAP

Despite the law’s insistence that a suspect is ‘innocent until proven guilty’, in soapland the opposite is true. If the police take you in for questioning, then you are guilty by association; if they lock you up, expect to be eating Christmas dinner behind bars.

Soapland’s police always assume the worst. In Eastenders, it’s a given that if the Ol’ Bill have Phil on their radar, he can expect to be down the station quicker than you can say, ‘Guilty, m’lud’. It’s the same with Emmerdale’s Cain. In both cases, they’re invariably guilty by virtue of past form; but even when they’re not, they’d best be on the safe side by packing an overnight bag for a vacation in a cell.

It’s not only cops who presume guilt; the locals, too, are quick to jump to conclusions. In last night’s Corrie, Tyrone sympathised with Geoff, saying he’d also been a victim of domestic violence and therefore knew what Geoff was going through. Geoff’s response was to give him and Fiz their Speed Daal meal on the house. Thankfully, not everyone is convinced, and Sally’s on the case. That’s OK, she can afford her own poppadoms.

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS

‘Can you still say “hunchback”?’

Cathy to Sally, Corrie BE PREPARED

‘That man’d pack a picnic fer ’is own funeral.’

Evelyn to Arthur, about Roy, Corrie

■ THE LONG GOODBYE

You think it’s all over? It isn’t yet. Now that Geoff has contacted Yasmeen on Alya’s phone, he’s intent on winning his wife back and tells the cops he wants to drop all charges (pictured). It’s up to the CPS, but will Yasmeen weaken, believing Geoff is a changed man? It’s questionable whether leopards can change their spots, but Geoff can’t even change his cap. It’s July! His brain is going to fry under that hat long before the trial. And how many more encounters between Alya and Geoff (inset) can the show take? Forget Groundhog Day; it’s turning into Ground

hog Century. Why doesn’t Alya report him for fraud, knowing he’s been withdrawing money from the business? Why have the police not investigated his previous form? There’s clearly a long way to go with this plot, but unless Geoff discovers a vaccine for Covid-19, feel free to keep hating him.

For the sake of Michael, Aggie has come around to the idea of his wanting to be with Grace and decides to play Cupid. Personally, I wouldn’t trust her to aim right with a toothpick, let alone a bow and arrow. I also think nothing short of jaw reconstructive surgery is ever going to put a smile on Grace’s face.

10 YEARS AGO – EASTENDERS

When the body of Denise Fox’s abusive ex Owen Turner (pictured) was found, her husband Lucas Johnson admitted that he’d killed him, before threatening to do a runner. Denise refused to let Lucas leave, saying they’d get through it together.

15 YEARS AGO – EMMERDALE

Australian Louise Appleton broke up with Terry Woods (both pictured) after an affair with Matthew King. Terry was devastated as the pair were about to buy the B&B, but when Matthew dumped Louise days later, Terry refused to take her back.

20 YEARS AGO – CORRIE

Tyrone Dobbs proposed to Maria Sutherland (both pictured) at the top of Blackpool Tower, and she happily accepted. But the engagement didn’t lead to a happy-ever-after for the pair, as Tyrone fell for Fiz Brown, who he’s with again now.

Tointon and Emma Rigby star in movie premiere The Festival (tomorrow, 9pm, Channel 4)