EMMERDALE

■ HOLY DISORDER

Has anyone ever thought to rent a cottage to a driving instructor? Given the few vehicles on the road, Emmerdale has more than its fair share of traffic accidents. Now, it’s Moira’s turn, the victim of a hit-and-run (which in these parts also refers to a pub argument) that has left her unconscious in hospital.

As Cain watches over her at her bedside (pictured), struggling with the thought that she might die, will this be the moment he realises she is the love of his life, and all will be rosy in the garden once more? It’s a tough one. People emerging from comas in soapland usually have no memory of their former lives; if only viewers’ memories could so easily be wiped, because this pair were never exactly Romeo and Juliet. But then again, they certainly have something – call it a spark, call it a nuclear bomb – and they really light up the screen as a couple. Malone insists to Harriet that he had nothing to do with the hit-and-run, but then can you trust the word of a man who has flaunted the sins of the flesh on more than one occasion in the church? While we’re on the subject, how does Harriet manage to get dressed so quickly after their encounters, dog collar and all, while it takes Malone so long? Still, it’s good to see the church being put to good use; previous vicars found the place only at Christmas or when someone died. It’s outdone even the cricket pavilion as the hotbed of illicit liaisons.

Former Hollyoaks stars Hannah