SOAP WATCH

Why do soapland folk never dress for the weather? Unlike in real life, there are no parents nagging their offspring to wrap up in winter or suggesting that wearing thermals in summer might not be a great idea.

Corrie’s Gary was still in his winter overcoat last week – we’re nearly at the end of July. Gail has been in her trademark polo neck sweaters since she joined the show in 1974 – in fact, I think they’re the same ones. At least Kevin was more appropriately dressed for summer, in a mauve T-shirt and jacket, but he looked more like Cluedo’s Professor Plum than a trendy middle-aged man.

You have to feel sorry for the people of Emmerdale, because no matter how rainy and freezing the Dales are, hardly anyone has clothing for the cold. True, Moira has a decent enough coat, but given that she rarely has her kit on, it’s negligible.

But it’s the Eastenders lot I feel most sorry for. No umbrellas, no scarves, few woollen hats – poor Sharon has only her false eyelashes to keep her warm. Fair play, though: not even a Marriott could provide as much shelter in a storm.

■ SLICES OF LIFE

‘I can hardly believe you’re a Tate,’ Kim ranted at Jamie last week. Quite frankly, I can hardly believe he’s human. It’s as if all the strong women around him are doing their utmost to try to inject some oomph into this lifeless character; he makes a postmortem look like Glastonbury. Despite Belle (inset) and Andrea (pictured with Jamie) battling for his affections either side of him, he’s still the barely visible filling in the sandwich. Potted paste, at best.

How will he cope with the excitement with Jai when they start interviews for the

restaurant manager roles (they may have to call paramedics)? Amy, Matty and Laurel have applied – none of them, by the way, is remotely qualified to do it; and do you really want Laurel in the presence of alcohol? We know where that path leads. She’s never made the best decisions sober; put her within a metre of a Happy Hour and nothing but the intervention of men in white coats is going to restrain her.

Cain and Moira continue to grow close, but she has yet to notice his hair got considerably greyer during her hospital sojourn. Where’s the Grecian 2000 when you need it?