THEDAY IMADE A PYGMY GOAT VERY GRUFF

The message on my pager said, ‘Pygmy goat, eaten hedge clippings’. Goats are masters of what is technically called ‘dietary indiscretion’, a very good description of their habit of eating hedge clippings, bushes, clothes drying on a washing line, nettles or plastic bags. A goat has a tremendous digestive capacity, so, my first thought was that there was no cause for alarm. Nevertheless, I called the owner. And this was when I became slightly concerned.

The story started with the ‘stupid husband’ (owner Pam’s words), who had left leylandii clippings in a pile near where the goats lived. These trees have terrible, spiky, needle-like leaves and I started to worry that they might damage the goat’s intestinal tract. I arranged to see the miniature goat as an emergency.

Within half an hour the patient arrived in the boot of a car. Geraldine looked healthy and actually rather pleased with herself. She’d managed to find some tasty clippings, been for a ride in a car and now found herself the centre of attention. I could tell this little girl was enjoying her trip out.

But I was still anxious about the state of her insides. I decided the best thing was to drench her with a black mixture of activated charcoal and water. The charcoal helps to coat the intestinal tract and reduce absorption of toxins. I knew it would be messy. Goats do not like anything being poured down their throats, let alone foul-tasting liquids.

Preying on my mind however, was a non-clinical matter. Our hard-working team of veterinary nurses had just scrubbed the floors of the practice with their new floor-scrubbing machine and it gleamed. And indeed, half an hour later, the entire contents of the litre bottle of charcoal were all over the goat, inside and out, and all over the floor and walls.

I bade Geraldine farewell, and went to find the mop. I’m not quite as good with a mop as I am with a goat, and my efforts resulted in a terrible, indelible mess. In the end I needed a very big bunch of flowers for the nursing team.

A phone call the next day from Pam confirmed that the goat was completely fine – apart from the fact that, like my floor and walls, she was permanently stained a deep shade of charcoal grey.