EASTENDERS

There are very few beverage choices in soapland in times of stress. What did Corrie’s Leanne say to Simon, after Nick accused him of upsetting Sam? ‘Si, I’ve made a brew.’ That’s pretty much all she does now, but have you ever seen her fill a kettle?

Emmerdale has taken to brew-making with the same passion as Corrie, with Moira following keenly in Leanne’s footsteps. ‘Brew?’ she asked Cain on Tuesday. Come on, if you had Cain alone in a room, the last thing on your mind would be Yorkshire Tea. Contrast this with Faith, who carries a hip flask in her handbag to top up her hot drinks in the café; and also Laurel, whose favourite drink of stress is vodka.

Like Laurel, Corrie’s Peter hits the hard stuff when he’s going through the mill, but in Eastenders it’s always wine – by the gallon. How much faster can Sharon down a glass? There’s a vineyard in Bordeaux worried they can’t tread the grapes fast enough to keep up with her guzzling. How about a crossover show in which Sharon and Corrie’s Carla go on a wine-tasting tour? Grapes everywhere would be quaking in their skins.

BATTLE OF THE BRUNETTES

Do you ever wonder if Martin wakes up and says, ‘What I wouldn’t give to go down the pub with my mates, have a game of darts and get drunk’? But no. The poor guy never gets a chance to dwell on anything other than his vast brood and the war between Ruby and Stacey (well, that and the price of carrots).

Now, the warring duo are at it again, after Ruby asks Martin to do anything to help them get over the loss of the baby. He agrees and reports Stacey (not for crimes against fashion; for allegedly pushing Ruby). She is convinced that CCTV footage will prove

her innocence but Ruby (pictured, centre, with Stacey and Martin) is smug in the knowledge that the cameras were down – not knowing that Martin had them fixed. Good grief! When did he get the time to call a security firm? The man has to schedule breathing time into his packed life.

Is anyone managing to follow the Lucas/ Chelsea/denise/jack debacle? I’ve lost track of who is on whose side; it’s like playing Cluedo – without the clues. Now, Chelsea’s up to her old tricks, and Lucas doesn’t realise he’s been played yet again. For a serial killer, he can be pretty darned thick.