OFFENSIVE AND CRUDE, THE COMEDIANS’ BANTER
This is a selection of the more vulgar ‘jokes’ from the show that aired at 9pm. Readers may be offended by some of the material. But we’ve included it so people can make up their own minds as to whether it was suitable for broadcast
Quizmaster Jimmy Carr: ‘In 2012 we had the wettest summer on record thanks to 50 Shades Of Grey.’
Carr: ‘Britain went back into recession so it’s a relief we didn’t p*** all our money away on a giant sports day and a party for an old lady.’ Jack Whitehall on actor Gerard
Butler: ‘He’s got a beautiful voice, it’s like someone holding your head down and making love to your ear with a condom made of velvet.’
Carr: ‘I’ll tell you what’s embarrassing, when you get an erection during your prostate exam and they realise you are not a doctor.’
Whitehall: ‘I have a theory, she (The Queen) didn’t sit down for the entirety of that thing, and people were talking about that. It was the day after the night of her anniversary and Prince Philip woke up with a urinary infection … I’m just saying what everyone’s thinking people.’
Whitehall on Usain Bolt: ‘You know that horse Frankel, the fastest horse on the planet, it’s retired now and has been put out to stud. His **** is going at one hundred grand a pop. Usain Bolt, the fastest man on the planet, they should start milking that man’s penis and sell that stuff because he could rake it in.’
Gabby Logan corrects: ‘I think Frankel’s sperm is £2m.’
Jonathan Ross: ‘£2m! For that kind of money it must be delicious.’
Whitehall: ‘If you had given your number to someone like (singer) Carly Rae Jepson and discovered how annoying she was you would suck someone’s c*** off to get rid of her.’ Asked what Twitter hashtag had been used to promote an album by Susan Boyle, Whitehall and James Corden answered: ‘Subo loves it in the a***.’
Corden adds: ‘This is where I do myself in and I forget we’re recording this and it’s going to be on TV… I just think we are having a great time eating pizza… she clearly loves it in the a***.’
Carr asked Corden and Whitehall: ‘Barack Obama was sneakily pretending to do something in the Oval Office whilst pretending to work. What was it?’
They responded by writing down: ‘Put on a condom and had a posh w***.’
When the panellists were played a clip of a whale and asked what was making the noise, Whitehall responded: ‘(Entertainer) Joe Pasquale getting bummed.’