I want to cut off my heartless daughter completely
DEAR BEL HAPPILY married for 52 years, we have two daughters. The elder lives nearby and the younger one about 100 miles away. Our older daughter (51) has had a hard life. Her first husband left when their three children were pre-teen.
A second marriage ended when that husband became violent. After that, men were a very low priority and she worked three jobs to support her family.
Five years ago she finally met a lovely chap who treats her so well. Her four children are now either married or engaged and we have four beautiful great-grandchildren.
Our younger daughter (49) causes heartache. Married to a successful man for 30 years, she has everything: big house, smart cars and two daughters (now in their late 20s) who had everything they wanted. None of them ever rang to thank us for birthday, Christmas or engagement gifts.
The problem is that our younger daughter seems to want nothing to do with any of us. If I telephone she’ll chat about herself but never calls us or comes to see us.
When her elder daughter was at university 20 miles from us they would pass within half a mile of our house and not visit. I used to capitulate after weeks of silence and ring, but now refuse to do so.
Consequently we have not heard from her for nearly three months. She treats her sister and nephews just the same, although she’s always made a great fuss of her one niece and her husband.
Her eldest daughter is getting married next year, and though we and her niece have received ‘save the date’ cards, neither her sister or her nephews have.
She obviously has little regard for her father or me. This year we’ve both been ill but although told she hasn’t bothered to find out how we are.
When I compare the two daughters, one generous with her time and affection (she has nothing else), one so selfish, I cry and wonder where I went wrong.
We are seriously considering changing our will and cutting the younger one out completely, as we don’t see why she should benefit from our years of hard work, giving nothing in return.
Should I give in? Or say enough is enough; you don’t want us and we are fed up with trying?
MARJORIE
YOU ARE not the first parent to look at two (or even more) children and wonder that they can be so very different. With some families it seems impossible for the peas to have come from the same pod.
For example, I know two or three where the next generation has thrown up one who is academically successful and charming as well, and a sibling who is something of a layabout and grumpy with it. Who can know why?
You have done much soul-searching about the difference between your children and the only thing that occurs to me is that perhaps, since your selfish daughter is the younger one, she was spoilt as the ‘baby’.
Was the older one handed a ‘script’ that asked her to be kind to her baby sister, play with her, share her toys and so on? And did you (or your husband?) treat that baby sister as a wee princess?
Such a scenario is quite common. I’m certainly not suggesting you blame yourself any more, simply that you try to distance yourself a little by reflecting that these family situations may have roots in nuances of childhood treatment.
It certainly sounds as if your younger
daughter has spoilt her own daughters, leaving them lacking basic manners. It shocks me that they did not come to visit when passing by so near.
And not saying thank you for gi fts ( or hospitality) is pretty unforgivable in my book. It is a sure sign of selfish entitlement.
As for the wedding ‘save the date’ . . . I believe this is the time to delegate the worry this is causing. For the sake of harmony the favoured niece (Why? Is her husband successful?) should be asked to intervene. As her grandmother, surely you could whisper to her that you will be unhappy if her mum and brothers are not invited to the wedding. All she has to do is email her aunt and ask breezily if it would be fine for her to tell them all the date well in advance so they don’t plan holidays and how much she is looking forward to her side of the family all being at the wedding together.
Don’t complain to her, just point out that her cousin may well have made a mistake — which she can put right.
Certainly you could change your will (easier than changing your disappointing daughter) but it would be better to do this for practical rather than vengeful reasons. If there are two adult children with very different needs and prospects, there is little logic in dividing an inheritance 50/50, even though that would be strictly fair.
Or you could even think of bypassing them altogether and dividing your legacy between six grandchildren. Or the great-grandchildren who will inevitably need help along the way.
Wouldn’t this be a creative and positive way to diffuse your anger with your younger daughter?
If you continue to repeat an action that makes you unhappy there is a danger that subconsciously you are doing this for a reason. If you go on phoning your selfish daughter you are allowing yourself to feel angry with her and sorry for yourself. If you stop phoning her and focus on the family nearby, you can stop feeling angry, hurt and upset.
Then when she phones in the end (and one day she will) you can be casually cheerful and say how quickly the time goes when you are SO busy.
Don’t make a big thing of it at all — offering her yet another stick with which to beat you. Just pull back and in so doing, take charge.