RETIRED Husband Syndrome?
Infuriated by having their men at home, or just plain bored, more and more older women are going back to work
GILLIAN GREGSON had a clear picture of what her retirement would be like. After years of hard work as a benefits adviser, she hoped to put her feet up, dip into her generous pension and finally spend quality time with her husband of 42 years Allan, 68.
Also on the 64-year-old’s list were renovating her beautiful threebedroom home in Lancashire, dabbling in amateur dramatics and long walks with her two dogs.
The reality, however, was rather different to her dream.
‘My husband works night- shifts as a driver for a logistics firm,’ says Gillian. ‘When I was working our paths rarely crossed, but after I retired four years ago we were suddenly at home in the day together. I quickly found it very irritating.
‘Allan has a huge group of friends and they often gather at our house in the day. Being at home meant I was on hand to fetch them cups of tea and listen to them reminiscing about the old days. But I’ve heard these stories a thousand times.
‘ I didn’t feel like cleaning the house while Allan was sitting there doing nothing. Why should I after working all my life?
‘And even if I decided to relax and watch an old episode of Dallas with a cup of tea, I’d have to put up with his ongoing commentary — particularly if there was a sexy scene. He’d sigh and say: “What on earth are you watching now?” ‘ I never got any peace.’ But rather than take up a hobby to get her out of the house, or have a quiet word with her husband, Gillian made an extraordinary decision: she fled back to work, becoming a lettings manager for a local estate agent.
While many might struggle to see the allure of returning to the office grind after a lifetime of toil, Gillian’s decision is an increasingly common phenomenon. As the first generation of women who routinely worked outside the home, today’s 60- somethings
I found myself resenting the fact that I was doing all the chores while Allan just put his
feet up
often find themselves reluctant to give up not just healthy salaries, but the status that comes with holding down a good job. So while retirement may at first seem appealing, for many, being reduced to the traditional role of housewife — pandering to their husband’s needs and doing menial cleaning tasks they get no recognition for — means enthusiasm soon dims.
Women seem to be the ones most likely to struggle after their working life ends.
One recent study suggested women actually suffer higher stress levels after retirement — particularly if their husbands are retiredti d as well, a condition known as Retired Husband Syndrome. The women interviewed by researchers from the University of Padova, Italy, said they found it very hard to cope with the ‘additional requests’ of their retired husbands.
Gillian can identify with that. She had worked full-time since the age of 15, taking time off only when her daughters, Karen, 46, and Louisa, 42, were born.
Allan had semi-retired years before, cutting his work down to two or three days a week, and Gillian looked forward to spending time with him.
But where once she was a career woman, now she found herself pandering to Allan and his friends, and felt she was taken for granted.
‘I even found that doing the ironing became more of a chore with Allan around,’ Gillian says. ‘If I’m doing it on my own, I zip through everything as quick as anything, but I found myself resenting the fact I was doing housework while Allan put his feet up — and it took me twice as long to get through a pile.
‘He always wanted something to eat or drink, too, and was constantly back and forth to the garden, bringing leaves into the house each time, which I had to clear up. It drove me mad.’
So when an estate agency opened in her village, three years after she retired, she jumped at the chance to return to work.
‘I loved it once I was there,’ she says. ‘I can see how some women could get depressed after retiring, particularly if their husband irritates them. Allan isn’t nearly as bad as some men, but it is totally different being at home if you’re used to working. There’s only so much cleaning up you can do.
‘Allan has been happy for me to return to work — at least he and his friends can now tell their stories again in peace!’
THen there are those women who are driven back to work — not by irritating husbands, but by boredom and loneliness. Angela McDonnellm, 61, was an nHS health visitor in Glasgow for her entire working life before retiring three years ago at 58.
‘It was a very busy job juggling 300 family case files,’ she says. ‘ When I began, it was all about baby and children’s health issues, but more recently our jobs became about child protection, which could be quite stressful.’
In July 2011, she decided to retire from her position and looked forward to travelling with her husband, Brian, 63.
‘We had a wonderful time for the first two years and went everywhere: Mexico, egypt, Spain, America and Australia. But Brian still worked three days a week, so I found myself feeling lonely for the first two days of each week.
‘I filled my time meeting friends and family, but Brian and I never had children — it just didn’t happen for us — so I didn’t have grandchildren to busy myself with like my friends who had retired. I wanted to get back into the world, and I missed working with children. Brian was happy for me to return to work — he wanted me to do whatever made me happy.’
So a year after her retirement, Angela found herself working in a local supermarket over a busy Christmas period — with her excellent people skills, she’d always fancied a job working on a checkout, and after her last job, she relished the chance to earn money without the weight of responsibility on her shoulders. And she loved it. That got her thinking about a more permanent return to work. She decided then that she wanted to carry on working, but focusing more on using the skills she already had, so she started searching for companies looking to employ nannies. She discovered an agency called Tinies, knowing how popular ‘granny nannies’ were with young families who lived away from their own parents. The company put her in touch with a family in Cumbernauld, 13 miles from her Glasgow home — the couple also work in the health sector — and for the past seven months she’s looked after their two daughters, aged four and 11. She works parttime so she’s still able to enjoy days off with Brian.
‘I love working as a nanny. It’s given me a new lease of life and I have plenty of energy — I can’t see a time when I’ll retire again,’ she says. ‘I’ll work until I can’t work any more — even at the age of 90 — and Brian is happy for me to do that, too.’
While it’s been traditionally assumed that men find it hardest to adjust to retirement, clinical therapist Dr emma Mardlin believes it’s common for women to find it more difficult.
‘Women in particular are likely to find retirement more of a challenge because generally women have been used to a life full of multitasking: working, raising children, managing the home, various life stresses.’ Dr Mardlin, of the Pinnacle Practice based in nottingham and London’s Harley Street, adds: ‘ It’s important to remember that just because you’ve retired from work, you’re not retired from life, love or ambitions and aspirations; you’ve just got to find them in other ways.
‘For those who haven’t retired, it might be better to make the adjustment slowly, going part-time at first while you make plans about how you’d like to fill your time.’
UnLIKe Gillian and Angela, Cheryl Young, 64, always knew she would find retirement tedious. She was due to retire from teaching five years ago after a career spanning 35 years, and dreaded the prospect of long days with nothing to occupy her.
‘Having worked in teaching for so long, I fancied doing something different,’ says Cheryl. ‘Most women look forward to their retirement, but without a plan I dreaded mine.
‘I knew I wouldn’t be able to sit around doing nothing. I’m healthy, I’m fit, there was nothing stopping me from carrying on working.’
Cheryl, who has three degrees as well as a post-graduate teaching qualification, had always loved working and had taken minimal time off when she had her two children, Stephen, 40, and Claire, 35.
She didn’t need to work for financial reasons; her husband, Richard, 65, a former regional manager for a computer firm, had already retired eight years previously.
She simply wasn’t ready to stop using her brain. Then one day, a few months before she was able to retire, the idea came to her to use her degrees in psychology and biological sciences to train in hypnotherapy. She found a course that would help her to qualify, and retired from teaching in July 2009. Four months later, she began her training.
It took her 18 months to qualify as a hypnotherapist and then she set up her own business specialising in hypnobirthing and pain management.
Cheryl hired a practice room and set up a website for clients; her new career flourished for three years. ‘I absolutely loved it,’ she says.
But this summer she found that looking after her two-year-old granddaughter, eva, was taking priority over her new career. ‘Being retired, and not having to rely on an income, meant I was in a position where I could put my daughter’s needs before my own, and I loved being able to help out with my granddaughter,’ she explains.
These days, she fits her hypnotherapy business around her family.
She adds: ‘not to snobbish, but the difference in teaching — where everyone is well- educated, which usually means you have a lot of interests — is that when retirement comes it’s not the end of a life for you, there are things you can carry on with.
‘But for many other women who do not have the level of education and their job and family are everything to them, it means there’s this big void in front of them. My advice is to start planning early on what you’re going to do when you retire.’
For many women, it’s clear that means starting a second career.