The only gay in the village? You’re having a laugh!

The BBC’s executive editor for Comedy Chris Sussman has revealed that all jokes have to go through ‘quite a few layers’ of bureaucracy before they can be told on air.

‘We have editorial policy advisers, we have legal advisers. I’ve been involved in a programme where it’s gone all the way up to the Director-General,’ Sussman said.

This might explain why so few BBC comedies are actually funny these days, now that all scripts are scrutinised for any hint of humour which might cause offence or fly in the face of the Corporation’s Left-wing ethos and diversity agenda.

It makes me wonder how many of the BBC’s classic comedies would ever get made today . . .

FROM: Director of Comedy, W1A TO: John Sullivan

THANK YOU for your recently submitted proposal, provisionally entitled Only Fools And Horses. While the show has potential, there are a number of issues which must be addressed before we can proceed.

I have an immediate problem with the lyrics to the theme tune, particularly the line ‘ no income tax, no vAT’. This could be interpreted as condoning tax evasion.

The storyline underpinning the concept is Derek Trotter’s promise to his brother that ‘ This time next year, Rodney, we’ll be millionaires’, which strikes me as wholly inappropriate in this era of austerity.

not only does Del Boy’s aspiration embody the worst aspects of Thatcherite greed, but it comes at a time when the Tories are planning tax cuts for millionaires, at the expense of the poor.

Then there is the character, Trigger, a municipal roadsweeper. he’ll have to go. you never see a roadsweeper any more, on account of the savage Tory cuts.

I have also received a response from our health and Safety Directorate, with regard to the episode in which Mr Trotter falls through a flap in the bar while drinking red wine ‘spitzers’. After conducting an extensive risk assessment, it has been decided that this scene is far too dangerous and therefore not suitable for broadcast.

May I suggest that you rewrite the script and re-submit at a later date. Perhaps Del and Rodney could visit a food bank because their benefits have been capped and they are forced to evict Uncle Albert as a result of the bedroom tax.

FROM: Director of Comedy, W1A TO: Ian La Frenais and Dick Clement

I HAVE been handed a copy of your proposed prison comedy Porridge. Unfortunately, it is unsuitable in its present form.

For instance, it does nothing to reflect the serious overcrowding in Britain’s prison system. One character, Genial harry Grout, even has a cell to himself.

There is only one ethnic minority character, McClaren, even though 17 per cent of the prison population is from a BMe (black and minority ethnic) background.

A number of our commissioning editors also found the portrayal of the character Lukewarm to be stereotypical and deeply offensive to members of the gay community. Mr heslop, whom you envisage being played by Brian Glover, seems to have been created with the sole purpose of ridiculing people with learning difficulties.

We feel this programme, if it is to proceed, should have a public education remit. May I propose that the main character, Fletcher, is behind bars not for burglary but because he has failed repeatedly to pay his television licence fee.

FROM: Director of Comedy, BBC Scotland TO: Ian Pattison

FRANKLY, Ian, I was horrified when I read the script for your proposed comedy series Rab C Nesbitt. The central character is a dissolute, alcoholic layabout, his family dysfunctional, his best friend Jamesie Cotter a philandering wastrel.

This unremitting orgy of drunkeness and domestic violence would be the very worst kind of advertisment for the brave new Scotland we are trying to build. It reinforces every ghastly Glaswegian stereotype we are desperate to escape.

however, all is not lost. Perhaps you could rewrite the script to reflect the image of our nation we wish to project.

May I suggest that Rab becomes a teetotal stay- at- home father, tutoring his two delightful young sons, while Mary Doll gets elected as a Scottish nationalist Party MP and heads for Westminster to lock the Tories out of power for ever.

I would have no hesitation in commissioning such a series and it helps that the actress you have in mind for Mary Doll looks a bit like nicola Sturgeon.

FROM: Director of Comedy, W1A TO: John Cleese

IT IS with great regret and for a multitude of reasons that I must reject your proposal for the comedy series Fawlty Towers. For a start, it is hideously white and middle class and riddled with xenophobia.

This is a classic example of the kind of so- called ‘humour’ which I am attempting to stamp out at the BBC. Take the scene in which the Major uses the ‘n-word’ to differentiate the West Indies cricket team from the Indians. Did the Top Gear incident not make it abundantly clear where we stand on the use of such appalling racially-charged epithets?

The entire series is founded upon naked racism and violence. Mr O’Reilly, the builder, is a prime example of anti-Irish prejudice.

Manuel, the Spanish waiter, is subjected to the most extreme racial and physical abuse. At one stage, Basil even uses him as a battering ram.

‘he’s from Barcelona.’ Is that supposed to be funny? There’s so much hatred against foreigners, I’m surprised you didn’t call it Farage Towers.

If we are to salvage anything from this project, it will need a complete rewrite. May I suggest a one-off special in which Basil is arrested and jailed for hate crime after refusing to let a room to a married gay couple?

FROM: Director of Comedy, W1A TO: Eddie Braben

I’M AFRAID I can see no place in the schedules for the Morecambe And Wise Show. Sketches, special guests, song-and-dance routines? All that went out with The Black And White Minstrel Show. Bring Me Sunshine! Sounds like one of Call Me Dave’s campaign slogans. What do I think of it so far? Rubbish! however, I did like the idea of two grown men sharing a double bed. Perhaps you could work it up into a series.

FROM: Director of Comedy, W1A TO: Matt Lucas and David Walliams

The Only Gay In The village? An idiot in a wheelchair, pretending to be disabled? Poking fun at people with weight issues and funny Indian accents? Two transvestite ‘Laydees’? A raving homosexual political aide to the Prime Minister . . . ?

I’ll run it by the DG and get back to you.