Farewell, Poldark. We men certainly WON’T miss you
THErE will be two kinds of sigh in the living rooms of Britain on Sunday night: those of longing and those of relief. After eight weeks of near constant brooding and smouldering against the Cornish skyline, it’s over. He’s gone. For possibly a whole year. I’m talking about ross Poldark, of course. Mr Bloody Perfect. Gone from our Sunday night screens at last. We Poldark widowers can rest easy for a while.
Eight episodes, we will have endured, watching our wives transported to 18th-century Cornwall in an ecstasy of unembarrassed lust.
The list of perfects attributed to the hero of the Winston Graham novels is beyond nauseating: features, hair, character, hair, kindness, hair, loyalty, hair, social responsibility, hair. Never mind how he maintains designer stubble with mid-Georgian grooming technology, how does a man brood for that long? Or smoulder? He could give London the day after the Great Fire a lesson in smouldering.
That’s when he’s not being perfect, righting the socio-economic wrongs of Hanoverian Britain or financing a drop-in centre for destitute copper miners. Think Ed Miliband in breeches. Actually, don’t.
ross just can’t help being decent. decency exudes from every perfect pore. Expect the opening of a pit pony sanctuary during Sunday night’s finale. Or a pioneering clinic in Truro dispensing free wooden false teeth, courtesy of the great man.
Women have long accepted the fact men indulge in televisual drooling. But for two months the thigh- length riding boot has been on the other foot.
Sunday night used to be Homeland night. Claire danes was the hit then, as Carrie Mathison, the bipolar, blonde CIA officer with the wowing manic look.
But of late, Sunday night has been ladies’ night. ross Poldark, aka Irish actor Aidan Turner, is the new standard for male perfection. Against him, Brad Pitt looks like the bloke down the BP garage.
‘ Women are used to men salivating over women but I don’t think men are used to women salivating over men,’ says Katie Brindle, a former head-hunter and mother of four from Chiswick, West London, who counts herself one of Poldark’s many admirers.
‘Some men think they have android wives who turned off sexually halfway through marriage but I’m 58 and it’s not true.’
SHE adds: ‘ Aidan plays this amazingly kind character. Most women are looking for that: a very attractive man who is nice. Because normally, when men are good-looking they are s***s.
‘What I love is how he stares at his women for a long time. Normally, men avoid extended eye contact with women. They stare at their phone, the football or guttering.’
How does her husband take this? ‘He hates it because he has never seen me talking about how lovely a man is before. He’s not used to it. Poldark is sex on a stick.’
The Poldark page on Facebook bears this out.
‘I never thought anyone would come between me and my Mr darcy but you did, ross Poldark,’ gushes one female member.
‘I have watched every episode about four times now . . . slightly obsessed!!!’ says Julie.
‘I’m old enough to be his mother but he can come galloping in my direction any day!’ adds another.
A Twitter storm erupted when ross failed to get his top off in episode seven and there will doubtless be howls of anguish if he fails to display his horribly flawless torso on Sunday. ‘ My wife is traumatised by some of the scenes in which Poldark kept his shirt on,’ tweeted one husband.
He likes being in the buff, does ross. Flame-haired demelza was apparently only one among millions of womenfolk swooning as the master of Nampara took a skinnydip in the Atlantic.
Then there was the topless scything. A definite health and safety issue, involving a substantial risk of sunstroke — and something of a surprise for ross, who no doubt insisted on a comprehensive risk assessment before re-opening the Wheal Leisure mine.
So, does Poldark pose a threat to that most tenuous of things, the male ego?
‘He’s the good-looking, nice guy who looks even more good-looking and nice because all the guys around him are beta males who are weak or nasty or indecisive,’ says student Will Campbell, from London. ‘Everyone’s such a wuss compared with ross. My ex-girlfriend certainly liked him.’
Not the cause of the split, one hopes. ‘Oh no. You couldn’t be jealous of ross Poldark. He’s so perfect he’s positively cheesy.’
Matthew Wills, a vet from richmond, is similarly unmoved. ‘ross Poldark is a cartoon version of a man — the very good-looking hero women fall in love with but strong-minded to the point of stupidity. Men like him do not exist. I prefer George Warleggan.’ George Warleggan? The oleaginous parvenu baddie and aspiring ross nemesis? But he’s a banker, for God’s sake. Nobody likes a banker.
‘He’s a more straightforward character.’
Mr Wills’s wife Jane is a convinced rossophile. Why? ‘Teal.’
Teal? ‘He’s dressed so well. If he was in brown or black he would be this rather too-broody character but the teal coats and things kind of cheer him up.’
remember that boys. Teal.
WE HAVE been here before, when Colin Firth’s Mr darcy dived into that lake after forgetting to get undressed. Male leads in the Nineties knew how to behave, keeping their clothes on even when swimming. Now Mr Turner is forced to shave his chest and armpits to achieve the right hairiness levels.
Women would kill to have Jacqueline Fowler’s job. The makeup and hair stylist is the woman charged with making Turner as appealing as possible.
‘Aidan is such a special bunny,’ she tells radio Times. ‘I just wanted to make him drop-dead gorgeous. He’s got an appeal across all ages. My mum’s quite into him.
‘There is that iconic shot which I love of the wind blowing in both of their [ross’s and demelza’s] hair on the cliff top. That’s how I wanted it — free and unkempt and tousled and sexy.
‘He [Aidan] is very hairy. His stubble will grow overnight really quickly. Every morning there was a ritual of how I took that down.’
But what of authenticity? After years fighting the revolting colonials in the Americas, the real Poldark would doubtless boast a full set of false teeth, not to mention a generous helping of scrofula on his neck.
Winston Graham penned enough novels about the Cornish gentleman to fuel another five series. And there will always be re-runs.
We Poldark widowers better get used to Sunday nights. In the pub.