Lest we forget ... how he humiliated Andrew Sachs

THIS is an abridged version of the ‘Sachsgate’ message left on Andrew Sachs’s answerphone, as revealed in the actor’s autobiography.

‘I feel it important for readers to be able to judge for themselves what took place, which is why I reproduce some of what they said here. Some of the more explicit material I still find too unpleasant to dwell on, so I have omitted it.’ Ross: Hello, Andrew.

Brand: That’s Jonathan Ross speaking now. Anyway, we understand … anyway … we can still do the interview to his answerphone. They exchange banter, and then come the vile barbs.

Ross: He f***ed your granddaughter! [laughter] I’m sorry, I apologise. Andrew, I apologise ... I got excited, what can I say, it just came out. The first thing to note is that it’s not Brand but Ross who first launches into abusive material and swearing.

Brand: Andrew Sachs, I did not do nothing with Georgina – oh no, I’ve revealed I know her name! Oh no, it’s a disaster. Abort, abort … Put the phone down, put the phone down, code red, code red. I’m sorry Mr Fawlty, I’m sorry, they’re a waste of space.

Ross: He’s the poor man sitting at home, sobbing over his answer-machine. If he’s like most people of a certain age, he’s probably got a picture of his grandchildren when they’re young by the phone. So while listening to the messages, he’s looking at a picture of her about nine on a swing.

Brand: She was on a swing when I met her. Oh no!

Ross: And probably enjoyed her.

I find some of the exchanges that followed too upsetting, so I’ve cut them out.

Brand: OK, look, the truth is, Andrew, I’m ringing you to ask if I can marry, that’s right, marry your granddaughter, Georgina, the granddaughter. Ross: I’d like to be a pageboy.

Brand: ‘He wants to be a pageboy. We’re going to have a Fawlty Towers-themed wedding.’ In the next call, they told each other they had to stop upsetting ‘Manuel’ and his family. And they referred back to The Germans, a classic episode of Fawlty Towers.

Ross: What should we not mention — the war?

Brand: Don’t mention the war, don’t mention his granddaughter. Don’t say: ‘You only ever played Manuel...’ Again, I’ve left out some upsetting material.

Brand: Even after the show’s finished, Jonathan, we can find out where Andrew Sachs lives, kick his front door in and scream apologies into his bottom. We can just keep on troubling Andrew Sachs. Let’s do it.