JONATHAN CAINER
We are brought up to believe in the laws of ‘cause and effect’. This gave rise to the theories of ‘invisible etheric rays’ and ‘gravitational pulls’, with which my predecessors, in more innocent times, attempted to explain astrology. But the whole idea th
ARIES Mar 21 — Apr 20 PEOPLE may say they want change but few are as enthusiastic as they make out. Unless their circumstances are dire and dismal, they don’t hanker for momentous transformation. They find the idea unnerving, even if it would probably be good for them. Even if they would surely benefit, they can’t get past an initial resistance and a fear of how things will be in a new, unknown, situation. Today, you can choose whether to alter something fundamental or just change something superficial. I have important news about the big changes due in your life. Pick up the phone for a very special message: 0906 751 5601.
TAURUS Apr 21 — May 21 GONE are the days when we all felt as if we were obliged to conform. No longer do we ridicule eccentrics and treat unusual behaviour as suspicious. We don’t fear that there may be something wrong with us if we turn out somehow, to be different to everyone else. Er... or do we? Beware, today, a nagging sense of needing to fit in. If you seek the greatest success and fulfilment, emotionally or materially, be willing to be yourself and (while respecting that same right in others) be proud of all that this leads to. I have important news about the big changes due in your life. Pick up the phone for a very special message: 0906 751 5602.
GEMINI May 22 — June 22 IF IT’S all going to be OK, why isn’t it OK now? And if it is, why can’t we see it that way? Perhaps we’re unable to relax and enjoy the present because we’re so wound up and worried about the future. But then, what does that say about the future itself? Presumably, we will stay true to form and spend that time being just as worried about a possible development even further in the future! For that reason, that reason only, a current concern is justified. Why not just seize your power to render it false! I have important news about the big changes due in your life. Pick up the phone for a very special message: 0906 751 5603.
CANCER June 23 — July 23 IF YOU flutter, you will hover. If you wish to soar on the breeze, open wide, hold still and soon you’ll start to glide on pockets of rising air. Your wings, of course. What did you think I meant? It would seem that you have them, even if you don’t yet know how to use them. No, of course you can’t see them. They’re invisible! But they are just as real as the powers you now have
to grant favours for those in need and perform spontaneous acts of generosity, even those whom some would call undeserving. Be kind today. I have important news about the big changes due in your life. Pick up the phone for a very special message: 0906 751 5604.
LEO Some July 24 — Aug 23 IS VENUS in Leo? astronomers dispute the borders of the zodiac, snootily explaining that constellations have moved on since the days of ancient Greece, due to the precession of the equinoxes. ‘Venus isn’t yet in Leo,’ they say, ‘but in an adjacent constellation.’ Astrologers reply: ‘We’re not talking about the constellation, we’re referring to a mathematical division of space also called Leo.’ Thus Leonine eyes are starting to blaze like beacons and Leo charisma is high.’ Today you’ll prove us right! I have important news about the big changes due in your life. Pick up the phone for a very special message: 0906 751 5605.
VIRGO Aug 24 — Sep 23 ‘HARDluck and trouble is my only friend.’ So goes a maudlin line in the song Born Under A Bad Sign. Though first made famous by Taurean Albert King, it was written by Cancerian William Bell. I wish I’d known this when I sat with the illustrious Mr Bell last New Year’s Eve at Aquarian Jools Holland’s TV show. I’d have taken him to task for perpetrating the myth that any sign can ever be bad. But then you, as a Virgo, know this already. And this very day, you’ll yet find out why something else that you did not know is good. I have important news about the big changes due in your life. Pick up the phone for a very special message: 0906 751 5606.
LIBRA Sep 24 — Oct 23 IF EXTRAORDINARY people can live ordinary lives, is it possible for ordinary people to experience the extraordinary? And does the nature of the event affect the category of the individual or does it all work the other way round? Or might we be making a big mistake when we decide to describe anyone or anything as ‘normal’? If today’s events serve no other purpose, let them remind you of what is special and recognise what deserves to be celebrated, however mundane it may seem. I have important news about the big changes due in your life. Pick up the phone for a very special message: 0906 751 5607.
SCORPIO Oct 24 — Nov 22 ‘WRATH ’is one of the seven deadly sins. Some people argue it’s the deadliest. But aren’t such folk fools who deserve to be scorned, spurned and scolded? Don’t those who question the relevance of wrath deserve pummelling? Well no, of course not. But when the red mist descends on any of us, we can briefly find ourselves thinking such furious thoughts. That’s why wrath is deadly. But never should such an expression of wrath be met with a further display of yet more wrath. Pursue the path of peace today. I have important news about the big changes due in your life. Pick up the phone for a very special message: 0906 751 5608.
SAGITTARIUS Nov 23 — Dec 21 LET’S discuss the politics of astrology. If there is really such a thing as destiny, doesn’t that imply the cosmos is like a totalitarian state? And isn’t the belief that some signs are born blessed with greater
natural abilities than others, the same idea that long supported the feudal tradition? Whatever your usual voting preferences, today embrace the spirit of democracy, at least in the way you look at how a drama is due to unfold. If enough of you wants a positive outcome, you can have one. I have important news about the big changes due in your life. Pick up the phone for a very special message: 0906 751 5609.
CAPRICORN Dec 22 — Jan 20 EVEN the most practical and prosaic among us is familiar with the concept of ‘love at first sight’. Those whose souls are poetic enough to let them experience this often describe it as the feeling that arises when two people meet and sense that they’ve known each other for ever. Now, this prediction isn’t specifically about your love life. But it does apply to a newly emerging possibility. In one way, you may never have come across it before. But that sense of recognition will be profound. I have important news about the big changes due in your life. Pick up the phone for a very special message: 0906 751 5610.
AQUARIUS Jan 21 — Feb 19 REMEMBER what Oliver Hardy used to say to Stan Laurel? Are there not moments when one part of ourselves says as much to another part? Perhaps you now think you’ve got yourself ‘into another fine mess’. But if Hardy’s accusations were funny, because we knew he, not Laurel, was at fault, how much more confusing does ‘misappropriated blame’ become when the argument is between two aspects of one personality? You’re not in a mess. Forgive yourself. I have important news about the big changes due in your life. Pick up the phone for a very special message: 0906 751 5611.
PISCES Feb 20 — Mar 20 IT MAY take two to tango, but you need four or more to attempt a formation dance. No exercise in choreography will ever produce a satisfactory outcome if the participants don’t really want to engage in the dance. If someone is making inflammatory remarks today, there is no need to meet fire with fire. Nor is there any need to fuel that fire with information that can be too easily misunderstood. Think carefully about where you are putting your feet and how you are holding your matches. A tense issue can yet be defused. I have important news about the big changes due in your life. Pick up the phone for a very special message: 0906 751 5612.