Can you get on with your stepmum if you’re the same age?
Answer: It’s FAR from easy!
WHEN a father remarries, it can be hard for his daughter to readjust to the new woman in his life. But what if the daughter happens to be the same age as the wife? Can you forge a friendship with a stepmother who’s your contemporary? At 44, Lisa Webb is only 18 months younger than her father’s fourth wife, Fleur Manuel. Here, the two women tell JILL FOSTER their story . . .
THE STEPDAUGHTER’S STORY
Lisa Webb, from Dorking, surrey, works for a car dealership. she is divorced and has two daughters, Nicole, 20, and Naomi, 16. she says:
WHAT kind of woman has a relationship with a man who is not only twice her age, but who has just left his third wife? That’s what I thought when I met Fleur.
My father, Ray, was a ladies’ man who was always introducing ‘new girlfriends’ to me and my younger brother, Jamie. I had no reason to believe Fleur would be anything other than a passing phase.
But it was the fact that, at 19, she was a mere 18 months older than me that made me ‘frosty’, as she describes it, on our first meeting 26 years ago. I thought the age gap was ridiculous.
At one point, my mother even mistook Fleur for my 16-year- old brother’s girlfriend when, after dropping us back home, she came into the house to use the bathroom. My parents had married young at 19, but separated when I was four and Jamie was two. Being so young meant I grew up thinking it normal that my dad had a string of partners.
Shortly after my parents split up, Dad had a son, Mark, with someone else. His second marriage, when I was about ten, was to a woman around his own age, but again, that only lasted a few years.
He would be the first to admit he wasn’t around much for us in those early days, and we didn’t see much of him or his second wife. I was 18 when he married his third wife, Julie, who again was his age — but that marriage lasted only six months.
In fact, I met Fleur for the first time — very briefly — at that wedding, as she was a colleague of my father’s. She was wearing a rather risqué black leather dress.
If you’d told me that one day she would be my stepmother, I’d have said you were mad — she was young enough to be my father’s daughter.
After they got together, I couldn’t be bothered to make small talk with someone who was unlikely to be around for long. We didn’t see each other often — just at birthday parties and social gatherings, where we’d avoid much contact.
I was very conscious that Fleur was my age. I worried that those who hadn’t met me or Ray’s ‘much younger girlfriend’ would mistake me for her. I found myself saying ‘Dad’ a lot when we were out together, just in case.
Things went from bad to worse when, less than year into their relationship, Fleur became pregnant.
I was horrified. I remember asking Dad: ‘What on earth am I going to have in common with a brother or sister who is 20 years younger than me?’ He just said: ‘Well, that’s how it’s going to be.’ He never made excuses.
sUDDENLY, it made his new relationship more real. Even if Fleur and my father split up — which was a distinct possibility — then she would always be the mother of my half-sibling.
I kept my distance during the pregnancy, but when Luke was born — practically 20 years to the day after my birth — I had this strong urge to meet him.
Seeing him for the first time was wonderful and my feelings towards Fleur certainly softened.
Then, only a few months later — as predicted — history repeated itself and Dad and Fleur split up. Dad was living with his parents at that point while Fleur found herself in a home for mothers with new babies.
It was at that point that something in me changed. I began to feel sorry for Fleur. Here was a woman of my own age who’d just had a baby and found herself single.
My dad had behaved appallingly and the whole family took Fleur’s side — including me.
Putting myself in her position, I realised how scared and abandoned she must be feeling. When my grandparents started visiting her in the mother and baby home, I tagged along. It was during these visits that I began to thaw. Fleur was quite a shy person and she was clearly very lonely. But she also still adored my father and many of our conversations were about him.
It wasn’t only Fleur I felt sorry for, but also my newborn half-brother. Dad would be the first to admit that he wasn’t around much for me and my little brother when we were very young, so to see Luke abandoned as well resonated with me.
I felt very protective towards him. Not that I dared to say anything to Dad about it.
There’s no doubt the difficulty of her situation brought Fleur and me a little closer. At one point during their separation, my grandparents took Fleur and me and my then boyfriend on holiday to Great Yarmouth.
Fleur really came out of her shell during that week. You build up a picture in your head of what a stepmother is going to be like, but Fleur was just a normal young woman like me. We’d sit together in the evening and have a couple of drinks and talk, and I found that I quite liked her.
I wasn’t too surprised when Fleur and my Dad got back together again six months later. I could tell she would forgive him anything. Even so, knowing Dad’s history, I didn’t think he would ever settle down properly.
But to their credit, they went from strength to strength and they got married five years later.
I was married myself by that point and had a daughter, Nicole, who was their bridesmaid.
By then, Dad was well into his 40s, they’d had another baby boy, Billy, and Dad had finally matured.
We all had a bit of a laugh about this being his fourth wedding, but unlike the others, this felt different — more secure — and I was more confident it would last.
But the situation wasn’t without problems. Though I had warmed to Fleur, we weren’t exactly great friends. I was still quite wary of the age thing.
Then in 1998 we were pregnant at the same time — me with my second daughter, Naomi, and Fleur with her third son, Josh. I found that difficult. It didn’t seem right for me to be
expecting a baby at the same time as my father. I felt it detracted from my pregnancy: grandchildren are not meant to have to compete with a grandparent’s newborn.
Of course, it also means that Naomi is Josh’s niece, even though she is only a month younger.
Dad and Fleur went on to have another daughter — my half-sister Olivia, now 14, who is also ‘auntie’ to my two daughters, 16 and 20. It can be very confusing and so Olivia always refers to my girls as her cousins to avoid questions.
TWO years later, however, there was an incident that cemented my friendship with Fleur once and for all: my divorce from my husband of seven years. It wasn’t an easy break-up and Fleur turned out to be a great listener. I’d go over at the weekend and if we wanted to talk, we would, or if we simply wanted to sit together and watch TV in silence, that was fine, too.
It was just what I needed at a painful time and I began to see Fleur in a new light.
In the past two years, our relationship has deepened even further because I recently came out of another long relationship and, again, Fleur was there for me.
Now I feel I’m returning the favour: Dad was made redundant two years ago and he and his family decided to move to Sheffield as they have relatives there. But Fleur’s job is in Surrey. It means she’s on her own during the week, so she’ll text and ask if she can come round because she wants to be ‘with family’ — which says so much about our relationship. I love the fact she feels that way.
If you could see us on holiday, you’d probably think that it’s Dad who’s the outsider. The age gap between them has become more apparent because I think Fleur has blossomed in her 40s.
While you’ll often catch us laughing and drinking G&Ts by the pool, Dad — who is teetotal — will be on the sidelines. I feel a bit sorry for him sometimes.
It’s odd to think Fleur and I got off to such a tricky start. She is the best thing ever to happen to my father and I am so lucky to count her as one of my closest friends.
THE STEPMOTHER’S STORY
Fleur Manuel, 45, an events manager, is married to ray Webb, 64, who works for a leading supermarket. They have four children: luke, 24, Billy, 21, Joshua, 17, and Olivia, 14. She says: There are times when a stepmother can feel pushed out — particularly when a stepdaughter has made her indifference or mild dislike abundantly clear. No doubt about it, Lisa was Daddy’s girl. ray adored her — and still does — and when she visited she’d monopolise his attention: sitting next to him so I couldn’t, talking over me.
I tried not to let it get to me because I knew she’d been through a lot with the break-up of her parents’ marriage.
Though we were almost the same age, I felt I was more mature than her. I’d left home when I was 17 and lived in a flat on my own for three years, so perhaps I was more independent. Meanwhile, Lisa lived with her mum and stepfather.
I sensed early on that I had to tread very carefully. I’d never make a big show of being ray’s girlfriend when she was visiting.
I wouldn’t hold his hand or anything like that. Instead, I’d make myself scarce, making cups of tea in the kitchen, so that she could spend time with her father.
Falling pregnant eight months into my relationship with ray came as a shock to me, never mind Lisa. She made it perfectly clear she wasn’t happy about it. I got the impression that she saw me as an ‘irritant’ who wouldn’t go away.
I have a stepmother who had a baby when I was 14, so I know how difficult it can be in the circumstances. I think Lisa was secretly pleased when I had a son because it meant she was still Daddy’s girl. She was one of the very first people to visit us in hospital.
She brought Luke presents and seemed really interested to meet him. That was the first time I thought: ‘Actually, she’s really nice.’
I saw more of this softer side of Lisa when ray and I split up for a short time. I’d seen how sensitive she could be around her baby brother and suddenly she seemed genuinely worried about us both.
When ray and I got back together six months later, things continued to improve — though I still felt I was treading on eggshells.
The dynamic altered again when Lisa got divorced. When she was married, she used to be a bit of a perfectionist — everything was tidy and she’d always be immaculately turned out. I’d arrive at her house in my jeans and feel inadequate. But we had no idea that she’d been going through such a tough time.
I know she found it difficult when we were pregnant at the same time. After all, which grandparent wants to be hands-on with young grandchildren when they’re already busy with nappies and feeding their own newborn?
It was an unusual, awkward time, but we dealt with it sensitively and got through it.
It was when Lisa met a new partner that our similar ages became a bonus. We would talk about the new relationship like girlfriends who had known each other for years. I think she enjoyed having someone of her own age to confide in.
Today, Lisa and I are — incredibly — the best of friends. She’s fun, sensitive and caring and we share a sense of humour.
I think ray is actually envious of our relationship. I feel lucky to have Lisa in my life, and I hope she feels the same about me.