The teen pregnancy that tore apart three generations
27 years after Denise got pregnant at 16, it still scars her relationships with her daughter and mother...
DRESSED in her favourite pink pyjamas, the little girl peered through the car window, waving as her mummy tottered off on her high heels into a nightclub with her friends.
To passers- by, the laughing young woman looked completely carefree. Except she wasn’t. The vulnerable child in the car was proof of that.
Today, more than two decades on, that little girl still bears the emotional scars of her upbringing — all caused, she says, by the fact her mother became pregnant with her when she was just 16. Danielle Stockwood, 26, a retail assistant who lives near Worthing, West Sussex, remembers her youthful confusion.
‘One of my earliest memories is being in my grandmother’s car, driving Mum to yet another night out,’ she says.
‘Even at that young age, I knew it wasn’t normal. Other mums didn’t go out drinking until the early hours — or sometimes forget to come home at all. But my mother did.’ But it’s not just Danielle who looks back on those days with horror.
As they confess here, her mother, Denise, now a 43-year-old school supervisor, and grandmother, Margaret, 62, believe the teenage pregnancy — which blew apart Denise’s life as a privately educated, middle-class girl — is still wreaking havoc on their family. Yes, they see each other
regularly and, of course, love each other. But the ripples from Denise’s youthful mistake have had a detrimental affect on all three women. Tensions simmer between them to this day.
‘It’s only now I can see what a selfish mother I was,’ says Denise. ‘I never put Danielle first.’
So much so that grandmother Margaret felt forced to take over the day-to- day mothering of Danielle — with the result that Denise felt isolated and resentful.
In the midst of all this is Danielle, today a single mother herself. Her message for Denise is simple: ‘I want her to acknowledge getting pregnant at such a young age was a terrible thing to do. I lost out on so much.’
Denise begins the story: ‘I was 13 when I met Paul. He was two years older and would ride his bike around our quiet cul-de-sac. I was home for the holidays from my all-girls’ convent boarding school.
‘we innocently chatted and when I went back to school we became pen pals.
‘over time, our relationship became much more serious and I lost my virginity to him when I was 15.’
The excitement of her romance was a distraction for Denise from her parents’ crumbling marriage.
‘My father was a staff sergeant in the Royal Engineers. He’d been away fighting in the Falklands and the pressure had been too much. My parents were in the middle of a messy divorce. I felt my life was unravelling.
‘ Getting pregnant wasn’t an accident: I wanted the happy family I was losing and thought I could have that with Paul.
‘To my parents’ dismay, I left school at 16, telling them I was going to be an air hostess. Instead, I became pregnant just a few months later. I had no idea of the magnitude of what I’d done — I was just thrilled by the positive pregnancy test.
‘My mother, though, was devastated. My father had moved out and was living in Army digs. She told me in no uncertain terms that she wanted me to have an abortion. But I wouldn’t hear of it.’ HowEvER, there was one subject on which her mother held firm: after the baby was born, Denise had to get a job while Margaret stayed home to look after the baby.
Today, Margaret — who moved to Britain from her native Malaysia in 1971 after her husband was posted here — explains her actions, saying she didn’t want her daughter to miss out on her youth.
‘My instincts were to try to protect Denise from the difficulties of motherhood. I did everything for her, hoping to insulate her from the terrible situation she had got herself into.
‘That moment Denise told me she was pregnant was one of the most shocking of my life. Years of expensive private education — and for what? It seemed such a waste.
‘Yes, admittedly, I was pregnant young, too. I was 17 when Denise was conceived. But I was married to her father, Gordon. Girls started families young in my day. And Gordon was there to help me. I was determined to make things right — for my daughter and my grandchild.’
But to Denise, her mother’s desire to rectify her teenage error soon became suffocating.
‘From the moment Danielle arrived, with Mum by my side, it was as if I was invisible,’ she says.
‘while it’s true I had no idea what looking after a baby involved, no one gave me a chance. Mum just took over. I felt I barely had an opportunity to hold Danielle, never mind be a proper mother.
‘I was desperate to make breastfeeding work just so I could have her to myself. Sadly, it didn’t and I felt horribly separated from my baby.
‘After Danielle arrived, I was completely sidelined. Before I even woke up in the morning, Mum would whisk off Danielle for a walk. The moment she so much as mewed at night, Mum would appear to feed her.’
But even Denise admits there were moments when she was grateful for her mother’s overbearing instincts. ‘Perhaps I should be more grateful — I wouldn’t have coped without Mum’s help. Danielle was six weeks old when I was first left alone with her. I vividly remember her screaming in her cot while I stood, frozen, staring at her. I had no idea what to do.
‘But there’s no doubt in my mind it’s because of Mum’s intervention that I found it virtually impossible to bond with Danielle.
‘It’s little wonder I suffered terribly with post-natal depression. I suppose I never had the courage to confront Mum over how she made me feel.’
Not surprisingly, Denise’s fledgling romance with Paul began to falter. Today, she admits it was doomed from the start because of their age and naivety — but at the time she had high hopes they would be together into their dotage.
‘we weren’t even living together — he was at home with his parents and I was with Mum He went off to college every morning to continue his engineering course, meeting friends, being free. But my life had changed for ever.’
The cracks between them rapidly became crevices, and they split up when Danielle was two. Denise was just 19.
She responded to her heartbreak like any jilted teenager. By day, she worked hard at a job she loved, caring for the elderly. By night, she put on her glad rags and went out on the town with her friends.
Meanwhile, Margaret kept up the facade of a happy home for her granddaughter while acting as a taxi service for her party-loving daughter.
‘when Denise wanted to go clubbing, I would drive, late at night, with Danielle in the back, to bring her home,’ says Margaret.
‘At least then I knew she’d come home. There were times she seemed to forget she had a small child and wouldn’t see her until the morning.’
Today, Danielle remembers her
grandmother’s efforts to give her a good childhood with evident emotion. 'Nan did everything for me. If I was upset, she comforted me. If I hurt myself, she was there with a cuddle. I have almost no recollection of Mum doing anything. She certainly never read me a story or cleaned my teeth.
'I can’t help but feel bitter, and Mum Knows it. She was just too immature to put me first.
'My six-year-old daughter, Courtney, knows she’s the centre of my uni-verse. But I never once felt like that growing up. Instead, it was as if my mere presence had stopped Mum from getting on with her life. I know she tried. And yes, I know she worked hard. ‘But I wish she had stopped to think, before getting pregnant, about the impact it would have. Not just on her life, but on mine.’
Since her parents split up, Danielle has had no contact with her father. And Denise’s presence in her little daughter’s life was like a glamorous butterfly, flitting in and out.
‘I remember sitting on the end of the bed, aged about six, as Mum applied her make-up before another night out,’ says Danielle.
'Even then, I sensed that things were different for us. She was differ-ent from my school-friends’ mothers. I had no idea, of course, that the reason for this was because she was barely more than a child herself.
It’s only now I can see how strange a relationship we had. She felt more like my sister than my mother.
'My daughter certainly doesn’t feel that way about me — I make the rules. But Mum was never there, setting the boundaries for me.’
But even Danielle admits her grandmother overstepped the mark. ‘I feel sorry for Mum, too,’ says Danielle. ‘Yes, my grandmother did everything at home, but it meant she thought she had the right to interfere constantly. Mum would try to look after me, only to be undermined by Nan. ‘I remember once we were shopping and I begged Mum to buy me some trendy trainers. She said she couldn’t afford them but, if I was good, she would buy them the following week.
‘Nan overheard and the next day bought me the shoes. It upset Mum, but what could she do? She relied on Nan for help and had to put up with it.’
Things were about to get even more confusing for Danielle. When she was 11, her mother took her on holiday to Jamaica. There, Denise fell in love with a hotel manager, Mark. Their relationship soon became serious.
BuT with no suitable schools in Jamaica and Mark unable to relocate to Britain because of his job, Danielle was left in the care of her grandmother.
‘Instead of putting me first, Mum left me in England with Nan for months at a time while she built a life in the Caribbean with Mark,’ says Danielle.
‘I suppose I must sound resentful. But it felt as if no one was there for me.
‘Nan would leave for work early in the morning — she worked in a supermarket by then. I had to get myself up and dressed for school. At the end of the day, I would come home to an empty house. I was terribly lonely.’
Throughout Danielle’s teenage years, Denise split her time between Britain and Jamaica. She and Mark had two children, Brandon, now 13, and Isabelle, five.
They split up when it became apparent marriage was not in Mark’s plans.
Denise also admits her nomadic lifestyle was affecting her children. She returned to Britain, hoping to heal the rift with Danielle.
‘I was lucky to have a second chance at motherhood in my 30s,’ she says.
‘Yet it’s only now I can see what a selfish mother I was with Danielle. I didn’t give my life over to her in the way I do with my younger children. I never put her first.’
Today, Denise and Danielle skirt around the gulf between them. But, occasionally, emotions erupt to the surface. There are times I catch Danielle watching me with Isabelle and Brandon and there is a look of such raw resentment on her face I could cry,’ says Denise.
‘There’s no doubt that she suffered because I was a teenage mum. I just wish she knew just how much I loved her.’
Margaret agrees. ‘It’s only when I see Denise with her two younger children that I realise how stark the difference is. Isabelle and Brandon are more secure. Denise does everything for them, just as I did for Danielle.’
Does Margaret believe her actions contributed to the family rift?
‘My relationship with Danielle is very close,’ she says. ‘There’s no denying that, growing up, she was closer to me than to her mother.
‘Did I do the wrong thing by taking over? It’s hard to say. I know Denise is a little jealous of my relationship with Danielle. But she was determined to have the baby, even though the odds of being a good mum were stacked against her. Danielle didn’t ask to be in that situation. I felt I had to make it up to her.’
As for Danielle, the undoubted victim of this family fall-out, she has done her best to keep everyone happy. She lives near her mother and sees her regularly. ‘ But it’s a difficult relationship,’ she says, her voice cracking with emotion.
ShE wants me to put the past behind us, but I need to hear her say sorry. I want her to acknowledge that getting pregnant with me at such a young age was a terrible thing to do. I lost out on so much.
‘On a positive note, I’m grateful for my upbringing because it has helped me learn from her mistakes. Yes, I had my daughter young, too — at just 20. But I was so much more committed than my mother.
‘Still, I’m in no doubt as to what I’d say if my daughter fell pregnant as a teenager and asked for advice.
‘I’d tell her not to do it, to have an abortion. Because there’s no way she’d be able to give the baby the time and love it deserves.’
Some names have been changed.