How do I find the courage to dump my man?

You are not the first woman (or man) to love two people at once, and certainly won’t be the last.

Since I’ve never been a believer in the romantic concept of ‘The one’, I understand your feelings very well. But there’s one piece of information missing from your short email — which is whether or not you are already having a sexual relationship with your best friend, and whether it satisfies you.

Guilt about a physical betrayal as well as the emotional betrayal will go on making you feel horrible until you work this out. Careful as you were when writing, you also omitted to say exactly how your university friend feels about the whole business, and whether or not he is asking you to leave your partner.

If you have been in love with him for two whole years I can only assume this has affected your behaviour. We show our feelings in so many ways and surely your boyfriend must have picked up (even if he doesn’t realise it) on the fact that you are preoccupied?

Perhaps that is helping to make him so snappy — especially as you are unresponsive in bed.

It’s interesting that you use the word ‘ bitter’. If he acts as if he is disillusioned and disappointed with life, might it be because his heart is telling him that the woman he loves no longer loves him in the way she used to?

Surely his ‘heartbreak’ has already begun?

You know this situation cannot be allowed to continue.

Plenty of people find themselves living a lie, but sooner or later, I believe, the truth comes out. And — yes — that process is usually painful.

To be honest, your family’s approval or disapproval should have nothing to do with your decision. This is

about your life — as well as the feelings of the man with whom you have shared six years. (Your best friend matters, too, of course — which is why I’d liked to have known what he wants.)

I have great sympathy for your guilt and fear, but you will make yourself increasingly unhappy if you continue to be a coward.

How do you ‘gather the courage’? By reminding yourself you have one life on this earth and if you no longer visualise a future with your partner you must end it now to avoid much worse pain in the future.

Surely you owe it to him to be honest, admitting there are things wrong with your relationship, and you have feelings for somebody else. In the end, this will be a relief.

You could suggest you go to couple counselling together, because that would show you do want to try — and I believe the process would help to clarify your thoughts and feelings about both men.

Believe me, I understand your terror of breaking up the life you have created — although I have to say I don’t see why you would have to lose your precious cat.

Pet custody is a serious issue, but it can be worked out.

If you were to decide to move in with your university friend, surely you could continue to do the PhD at a distance? People do manage that.

Look, if you really, truly cannot face the upheaval, then I see no option but to stop seeing your university friend — but you don’t want that, do you?

After two years of this double life, you are ‘leaning towards’ the other man. Who would you like to spend your life with?

Answer that question, and then be honest with them both.