My daughter overprotects her child

FEELING entirely sympathetic to you, nevertheless I must add that the ‘calm words of wisdom’ are needed for you, as well as your daughter. And yes, it is all for the sake of your little granddaughter — because it will do her no good to have a family quarrel poisoning the air she breathes.

It will come as no surprise that I shake my head with disapproval when you tell me you ‘stormed off’ — because such loss of control is the way to break up a family. You say you are ‘ no good at calm debate.’ My first piece of advice is that you think about your reaction and ask whether you should almost sound proud.

If you wish to have a lovely relationship with your granddaughter as she grows up (and of course you do), then I’m afraid you have to start learning deep breathing and serious selfcontrol. Please, please pause now and think about this seriously. You may not be able to change your daughter, and therefore the only way forward is to change yourself.

Now to your daughter. You are absolutely right to worry about this over-protectiveness. I always feel somewhat concerned about home-schooling, because anybody who has watched the Secret Life Of Four/Five Year Olds on TV will know how infinitely valuable a part of a child’s development is interaction with peers.

But your daughter and her husband have taken that decision and no words of yours or mine will change it. Criticism ( stated or implied) will almost certainly make them even more determined to lock their child into the padded cell of their love.

You attribute your daughter’s hyper-anxiety to her struggle to have a child, yet many women who have gone through that process don’t go on to respond in this rather neurotic way.

So there may be something else in your daughter’s background or mental state which is feeding her irrational concern. You should think about this, and ask yourself (not her) if there is anything you have done or said in the past which might have fed it. I’m not pinning any blame on you, just asking you to reflect.

And I repeat, there is no chance of you having a gentle conversation with your daughter about the issue if you lose your temper.

Like you, I worry that overprotectiveness ultimately rebounds on both parents and children in the years to come. What about rebellious teens?

The best parents allow their children space and train them to fly the nest. Children need freedom to grow and develop and wrapping them in cotton wool is a terrible idea.

But here — as so often in these letters — I reach the point of repeating that we can only change that which is in our power to change.

That takes us right back to you. Wouldn’t it have been perfectly all right for your daughter to attend the Halloween party at the care home, too?

I can see how it feels hurtful and insulting not to be trusted with your own grandchild, but it would still be wise for you to shrug, say ‘So be it’ — and focus on being a jolly granny during shared family time.

When your granddaughter is eight and upwards, she will have her own views and you will be able to babysit/take her shopping etc — but only if you negotiate this period with care and try to relax.

In the end, the ‘calm words of wisdom’ you so understandably seek have to be uttered in your own head, in a dialogue with yourself.