Divorce proof your marriage

( even if you’ve not had sex in years)

Feel your relationship’s lurching to disaster? A leading couples’ counsellor reveals how to...

Many of us learned about being in love from books, films and TV shows. Even traditional fairy tales such as Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty fuel those wistful and hopeful dreams that so many of us have of finding The One and experiencing a grand passion.

But the stark reality is that these stories all end before real love even begins.

We are brainwashed by a culture that is saturated with the rapture of courtship. But we have no idea what would happen to these storybook relationships if the toilet backed up, the roof caved in or the husband got fired.

In real life, the sad truth is that most couples all too quickly find themselves victim of the very biology that brought them together in the first place.

When you are in the first flush of love, your brain is flooded with chemicals that make you want to make love all the time and help you gloss over your partner’s imperfections.

But as several scientific studies have discovered, this generally lasts no longer than 12 to 18 months. and when it ends, the lovers soon come crashing back down to everyday reality.

They may still love one another deeply, but it’s as if an enchantress’s spell has suddenly been lifted. no longer do they have sex at every opportunity or count the minutes until they can be together.

This is often the moment the rot sets in. Without realising it, couples start to suffer from what I call Post-Romantic Stress Disorder, which can fester at the heart of their relationship for many years.

In my view, it’s the main reason why 42 per cent of marriages in Britain end in divorce and why many more of us are unhappy in our marriages (often secretly), with husbands and wives claiming in surveys that they are disappointed and unfulfilled.

Does it have to be like this? Well, nature has ensured that no couple can remain in a state of complete infatuation for ever — after all, their work would suffer and their children would feel abandoned or excluded.

But the tragedy of modern life is that many people fail to make the effort to adjust to the next stage of their relationship: a mature and fulfilling love, with a ‘good-enough’ sex life.

Instead, they throw away perfectly good marriages. Based on my experience of counselling hundreds of couples, I believe only 15

per cent of couples are truly incompatible. and yet so many break up because they don’t reach the far more rewarding kind of love that really can last a lifetime. So here is my advice on how to divorce-proof your marriage . . .

BEWARE POST ROMANTIC STRESS DISORDER

THE first, romantic phase of a relationship is immensely powerful because of its biological purpose — which is to meet a suitable partner, to mate and to produce children.

Our personalities change: the pennypincher starts lavishing gifts on his beloved; the woman who hardly liked to be touched is a roaring volcano of sexual desire.

all this is perfectly normal. When couples fall in love, their brains become saturated with the chemical phenylethylamine (Pea), which elevates the testosterone levels that govern sex drive and can make lovers obsessive.

but there is a built-in time limit to this wild obsession. and once this infatuation stage passes, an imbalance often develops as lovers return to being individuals with lives, friends and opinions of their own.

Many people are profoundly shocked to discover they are no longer ‘in love’, and it’s this failure to adapt to the next phase in a relationship, which I have called Post Romantic Stress Disorder.

DISCOVER A NEW FEELING OF TOGETHERNESS

Maybe you won’t love everything about your spouse once you’re no longer looking at them through the rose- coloured spectacles of someone who is head over heels. but you won’t be alone in that feeling — they’ll feel the same way about you.

It takes time, effort and a willingness to compromise to create a love solid enough to last a lifetime.

Those who manage this will be able to achieve the kind of intimacy that occasionally approaches the ecstasy of those early days of being ‘in love’.

and while sex may no longer quite have the same passion, it can still be deeply satisfying.

Watch out for what I call the ‘Deadly Ds’ that all too often poison relationships: denigrating attacks on the other person’s behaviour; defensiveness; devaluing and demeaning your partner; distance and detachment (ie sulking and an unwillingness to talk.)

by contrast, the ‘ Healthy Ds’ will help re- set most marriages that have run into problems: disclosing your feelings; declaring your desires; and discussing your dislikes.

DON’T CONFUSE PASSION WITH LOVE

THE flashpoint for many couples is sex.

It’s a common mistake for one partner or both to interpret what is actually a natural reduction in desire as a sure sign that they must have fallen out of love.

Sometimes one partner will walk out on the other or the more highly sexed of the pair may go on to have an affair. Some even become love or sex addicts, having one fling after another as they try to recapture the amazing high that they once experienced with their legitimate partner.

Others stay in a relationship that is increasingly characterised by childish conflicts, resentment and anger.

The lover with higher libido may become passive- aggressive towards the other partner. This behaviour, intended as a way of punishing their other half, may simply be thoughtless — such as consistently showing up late for an event their partner has spent a long time preparing or refusing to eat a beautifully prepared meal — or it may be purposefully meanspirited, destroying something that their partner loves, such as losing their jewellery or stealing an heirloom. Regardless of the degree of hurt, this kind of behaviour can inflict a huge degree of emotional damage.

Many people turn almost obsessively to other interests. For instance, a mother may throw herself wholeheartedly into her children’s lives and activities — to the detriment of her marriage.

a husband, meanwhile, may decide to play golf with his friends every weekend.

In public, both partners may well keep up the facade of a happy marriage, but in private they will often stop having sex with each other.

FACE UP TO YOUR CHARACTER FLAWS

THERE are probably things that we’d all like to change about our partners, but you must be willing to change yourself first. This requires being willing to develop a stronger sense of self.

Couples often become blinded by the routines they get stuck in. When this happens, each partner can feel cut off and alone.

The divorce courts are packed with adults with a wounded ‘inner child’. What they have in common is a damaged and immature sense of self, often linked to unresolved issues from their childhood — such as abandonment, neglect or even abuse, which triggers childlike behaviour or emotional blocks.

When two ‘wounded’ people fall in love, they’re likely to experience the ‘in love’ phase all the more intensely, because — fleetingly — it feels as if they’ve finally found the one person who can heal those childhood scars with total, unconditional love. but the greater the intensity of being in love, the worse it feels when the love chemicals begin to peter out.

That’s when you have a choice. you can blame your partner for not being a miracle worker, who can solve all your problems and retreat into anger and resent- ment. Or you can recognise that if you’re going to escape the cycle of arguments and tension, you need to be the one to break it by changing your own behaviour.

DISCOVER THE RIGHT WAY TO ARGUE

Many couples find themselves arguing over childish things. They then become entrenched in opposing corners.

There is nothing wrong with having different points of view, but don’t forget to listen to each other and never hold onto resentments.

View arguing as a way to show your partner how you feel rather than a way to shut them out.

effective arguments can lead to a greater awareness of each other and be an important part of a marriage’s long-term success.

REMEMBER WHY YOU FELL FOR EACH OTHER

THE end of that amazing sex life you experienced in the first few years of a relationship can be traumatic. but it is also perfectly healthy and normal. Realistically, think of how little you would get done if that wild, passionate, amazing sex never went away!

but it’s worth focusing on what you remember about the first months of the infatuation stage: remember when you first saw each other and how those feelings of being in love developed.

In the beginning, lovers are often playful, laugh a lot, and shower each other with physical and emotional signs of appreciation. There is a lot of hugging, kissing, and gentle touching in the early stages of being in-love. Cuddling at night without any expectation can lead to more than cuddling.

Rekindling those early in-love behaviours is especially important for men, who more often have a higher baseline testosterone level.

Let your partner know in small ways that he or she is cherished. This could be, for instance, a phone call during the day to say ‘I love you’, or running a bath when he or she gets in from work.

DON’T PUT YOUR FAMILY FIRST

IT’S a mistake to put the children first and the marriage second.

For the children’s sake, it should be the other way round. When they see and experience a loving and intimate mum and dad, they have a good model for intimacy to draw on in their own futures.

but it’s also important because you need a life apart from the children; a life that will continue after the children have grown up and left home.

It should be almost sacred for parents to have a night out every week, or as often as they can afford it. Their relationship is the chief component of the family. Living for the children is a mark of parents fearing to deepen their intimacy.

INTIMACY IS NOT JUST ABOUT SEX

THERE are many activities other than sex that couples can do together to deepen a sense of intimacy and keep their relationship from becoming toxically familiar.

Take up a joint hobby or sport — excitement can boost the feelgood hormones that strengthen attachment.

Sit down and talk about the life you’ve shared together. Memories of bringing up the children or coping with bereavement are times of deep sharing that should bring couples together rather than push them apart.